


this side of paradise

by adventurousfeather



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Kid Fic, Minor Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Single Parent AU, You do the math, divide by an adorable little boy named jamie, it goes like this:, lexa woods plus clarke griffin equals two idiots in love, modern clexa au, multiply by a lot of fluff, subtract same amount of angst, though both have yet to realise it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-05-02 07:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 40,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5240147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adventurousfeather/pseuds/adventurousfeather
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>they pretend to have a relationship because of simple misunderstandings, amongst under things. (it's clarke's idea.) it starts out fine, and lexa realizes that she actually is kind of in love with clarke, but then simple misunderstandings turn into huge misunderstandings, and well—</p><p> </p><p> <i> one of the helping teachers approaches them with a gentle smile. “you’re jamie’s parents, yes?” she asks, her eyes glancing at the couple before returning down to the clipboard she’s holding.</i><br/><i>clarke blinks, “oh, we’re not—”</i><br/><i>the young woman stills and looks up, “you’re not? you’re not here for jamie?”</i><br/><i>“well, yes, we are, but—”</i><br/><i>“oh, right then,” she dismisses clarke with a quiet chuckle.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this was planned as a oneshot in my head, but as always, it got out of control so it is going to be a multi-chapter fic. also, just a heads up so you won't get confused: stuff in brackets/parenthesis/whatever you call them are flashbacks, k? k. there's gonna be a lot of that.
> 
> mostly inspired by hayley kiyoko's EP, _this side of paradise_.
> 
> thanks to the bae for helping me proofread it. you da best best, gurl. hope you guys enjoy!

_we staked out on a mission to find our inner peace / make it everlasting so nothing's incomplete / it's easy being with you, sacred simplicity / as long as we're together, there's no place i'd rather be. — rather be_ , clean bandit ft. jess glynne

 

**_i._**  
“morning, jay,” clarke stands at the doorway between her room and her bedroom, blinking at the little person under the mound of blankets on the couch. jamie’s face pokes out of it and he tosses her a narrowed stare.

“it’s lunchtime.” he says. clarke respondswith a chuckle but it's interrupted by a yawn. he adds, “it’s like, three.”

she glances at the clock stuck on the wall above the the doorway towards the dining room. it reads one o’clock, and she laughs, “we need to teach you how to read a clock.”

he shrugs, “i’m only four, clarke.” jamie hides back in his blanket mountain and listens to clarke’s quiet footsteps making their way to the kitchen. he hears a few drawers and cabinets opening then shutting while he returns his attention to his video game.

the end of the couch dips and jamie hears crunching noises, and he peeks out of the blankets to watch clarke tiredly eating cereal. her hair is dishevelled, as though she hadn’t bothered to brush it down properly and there’s a little bit of milk on her chin.

“you’re not allowed to eat on the couch.”

“correction: _you’re_ not allowed to eat on the couch. _i’m_ allowed to do what i want.”

jamie whines, “but mommy said—”

“my house, my rules,” clarke announces smugly, lifting her feet up and resting them on the coffee table in front of them. she glances at the disgruntled look on jamie’s face, “what are you doing in there anyway?”

he slips out his hand holding his 3DS and waves it, “playing.” he mumbles to himself, "why do _you_ get to do that?"

ten minutes later, lexa emerges from her bedroom, takes one glance at the pair on the couch and orders, “clarke, feet off the table, please.” when she’s halfway across the living room, she adds, “clarke, you’re not allowed to eat on the couch.”

jamie only smirks in his blanket fort when clarke sighs and gets up to finish her cereal at the dining table.

.

(she agrees to meet lexa woods in the little restaurant around the block, and she isn’t expecting a tall, stoic young woman, with a sharp jawline and even sharper green eyes, clad in dark skinny jeans, a white v-neck t-shirt and a black leather jacket.

as a matter of fact, that’s not the image she had in mind of her potential roommate who had politely mentioned that she has a six month old baby boy, the exact one which is in his stroller, gurgling happily at the exciting, new environment around him.

“clarke griffin, yes?”

“lexa woods,” clarke smiles and shakes her hand firmly, she looks down at the baby stroller, “and this is..?”

the baby looks up at her with wide brown eyes, dirty blonde hair sticking out of his hat. he coos excitedly and extends his two hands at clarke, reaching out for this new person.

lexa smiles gently, “this is james, jamie for short.”

“james and jamie have the exact amount of letters, how is the other one short?” clarke jokes, gesturing for her to sit across the table from her. lexa snorts with laughter as she does, before unbuckling jamie out of his stroller.

“you know what i mean,” the brunette shakes her head. “he seems to like you.”

“well, yeah,” clarke hums, letting jamie wrap his tiny little fingers around her wrist. “we’re gonna be the best roommates ever, aren’t we?”

lexa laughs again, “i can’t wait to hear you say that when you wake up to him crying in the middle of the night.”)

.

later that day, the little boy digs out a teacher’s crumpled note from his green backpack adorned with various stickers, and wordlessly slips it on the dining table in front of clarke and lexa. he skips towards his room before either one of them can question what it is.

lexa sighs, taking the note in her hand, "he has a folder for a reason."

from where clarke is sitting at the dining table, she can see jamie's school crest on the top right of the page, and her eyebrow quirks up curiously as she waits for lexa to announce what the letter reads. "uh oh, is he in trouble?"

"no," lexa's eyes narrow on the words, "there's a parent-teacher meeting."

"when?"

"on thursday, at two," she groans, "i have a lecture then."

clarke offers with a casual shrug, "i can go."

"don't you have work?" lexa asks, folding the note neatly in half before setting it down on the table.

"i'm off this thursday, more than likely because i have a twenty-two hour shift on wednesday." before lexa can object and going off on a lesson about proper rest, clarke adds, "it'll be fine. he's in preschool, it’ll take like, five minutes. they'll probably just report back on him colouring within the lines and naptimes. it's no big deal, promise."

lexa exhales, silently surrendering to clarke griffin’s charms, a smile slowly spreads on her lips, "thank you, clarke."

.

(clarke meets lexa through anya, who’s even more stoic and efficient at glaring daggers than her new roommate. “anya’s in my study group,” she explains, while they’re walking to the house. jamie’s bouncing delightedly in his stroller, babbling loudly to himself. “yeah, i know, little guy, life’s great, isn’t it?”

“she mentioned that,” lexa nods. “i actually owe her a million favours now after she gave me your number and told me you needed a roommate. it’s hard to find one that doesn’t mind having jamie around.”

“are you kidding? he seems like a blessing to have in the house.”

lexa laughs, “not around med students like you, or law students, or any kind of students, actually. it’s the crying at night, he’s still in his colic stage.”

the blonde hums alongside her, “what is it that you do, anyway?”

“well, right now, i’m jamie’s mom. it’s a full-time job, as you know, i had to defer from my phd program so i can take care of him. i only have a year left, but i can’t juggle it along with him right now.”

“wow,” clarke stops in her tracks, causing lexa to stop, too. “that’s amazing. has anyone ever told you that?”

the brunette’s cheeks flush as she shakes her head slowly, “you’re the first one.”

“glad to be,” clarke winks, and jamie shrieks in his seat, asking for attention. “we’re going to get along just fine, lexa.”)

.

jamie is in school the following wednesday, colouring in his journal next to a quiet little girl named roma, when jasper pipes up loudly from across the table, "hey guys, my parents are coming to the meeting tomorrow!"

jamie quietly listens on to jasper chattering happily to the other kids, asking them if their parents are coming, as he glances at their lead teacher, miss o, who's busy helping one of the other kids tie their shoelaces.

then jasper asks, "what about you, jamie? are your mommy and daddy coming?"

he pauses his colourful scribbling as he answers, "i think so. not my daddy though." he admits, "i don't have one."

it earns him a collective gasp around the table, and his little heart hammers in his chest. he really doesn't like being the center of attention, only around his mommy and clarke.

one of the other kids chimes in, "i don't have a daddy either, it's okay," but jamie can feel his cheeks burning and he can't look up at jasper.

jasper asks curiously, "did your daddy run away?"

"no," jamie answers slowly. "i just— i just don't have one," he shrugs.

"nah uh," sterling interjects, a snotty little blonde boy with two of his front teeth missing, "you're s'posed t'have a mommy and a daddy."

jamie amends, "i have a mommy," then he adds quickly, "and a clarke."

"what's a clarke?"

miss o returns to the table, and cheerily asks, “what are we all so busy talking about?”

jasper points at jamie, and repeats his question, “miss o, what’s a clarke?”

“a what?” she glances between the two boys, confused.

jamie pipes up, “clarke lives with me and my mommy.”

“are they married like regular parents?” sterling asks with narrowed eyes.

jamie purses his lips, trying to think whether clarke and lexa are actually married. he shrugs, “i guess so.” sterling accepts his answer with a nod.

a quiet “oh,” falls out of miss o’s mouth as she understands, then she beams, “there’s nothing wrong with that, jamie. will they be coming to tomorrow’s meeting?”

“just clarke, i think, my mommy has a class.”

“perfect,” miss o claps her hands together, “i’m looking forward to meeting him.” she turns to the other kids around the table, “who else’s parents are coming tomorrow?”

jamie blinks in confusion as the other kids raise their hands and excitedly yell out, “me! me!”

.

later, when it’s snack time, jamie approaches his lead teacher and tugs on her top. “clarke’s a girl, miss o,” he simply corrects.

“oh, i’m sorry,” she smiles at him apologetically. “i’ll remember that.”

jamie nods wordlessly before returning to his seat, leaving his teacher to remember of another clarke she used to know.

.

that night, lexa has just finished giving jamie a bath and he’s in his room struggling to put a shirt on when clarke catches sight of him. there’s a stethoscope still around her neck and three pens tucked in her breast pocket, and she thinks lexa’s still unaware that she’s already home.

“need some help?” she asks, knocking on the door, and jamie grunts a muffled affirmative from somewhere in his dinosaur pyjamas. clarke has a smile on her face as she maneuvers his arms into the sleeves and pops his head out of it, and her smile only grows when the little boy thanks her with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “missed me?”

“yep,” he replies. he climbs onto his bed and pulls the covers over his legs before asking, “will you read me a story?”

lexa clears her throat from where she’s standing in the doorway, “i’m sure clarke’s tired from work, jay.”

clarke stands from where she was kneeling in front of jamie, “it’s fine, i can do it, no worries.” she waves her hand dismissively when lexa steps into the room, “seriously, i got this. go grade your papers or something.”

something flashes in sharp green eyes, and clarke isn’t ready when lexa’s body collides with hers in a fierce, tight hug. she’s suddenly engulfed in warmth and in lexa’s arms, and she smells like jamie’s bath soap and mint, and clarke decides that this is the best hug she’s ever gotten in the entire world.

(with the exception of the first hug she had received from an eleven month old jamie, who had taken his first steps in her direction, all while lexa had excitedly cheered on her son beside her.)

“thanks, clarke,” lexa murmurs into her neck, and she feels her cheeks flush.

clarke replies, a little breathlessly, “it’s nothing, really.”

lexa steps back with a nod, smiling shyly before sitting down on jamie’s bed. “only one story tonight, okay?” she kisses both of the boy’s cheeks, earning a giggle from him, before leaving one final kiss on his forehead. “goodnight, jay. i love you.”

“love you too, mommy,” jamie grins as lexa leaves his room. he watches clarke look through his bookcase and he shakes his head, “i don’t want a storybook story.”

“well, what kind of story do you want, jay?” clarke asks, perching herself on the bed.

jamie mulls it over for a little bit, “how’d you meet mommy?”

a fond smile appears on clarke’s face, as she dramatically exclaims, “this is the story of how i met your mother.”

.

from the dining room, lexa can hear clarke’s voice floating through the house. she bites on the tip of her pen and tries to calm her heart and her soul, which are literally falling for clarke griffin at this very moment.

“once upon a time, there was a, um,” clarke pauses, “a princess named clarke who fell from the sky.”

jamie giggles, “you’re not a princess, you’re a doctor!”

clarke retorts, “shush, you’re supposed to be listening.” lexa hears jamie’s squeals of laughter, and she chuckles along fondly. clarke continues, “anyway, princess clarke fell out of the sky and she had a magnificent adventure—”

.

(she leaves out the sad parts, and the complicated parts, and fills it with happiness and magic instead. jamie’s only four, he doesn’t need to know about her painful past.)

.

(“clarke, i’m so sorry.”

“you knew! mom, how could you do this—”

“clarke,” abby sobs, her hands trying to reach her daughter, trying to calm her, “i didn’t know, i didn’t—”

“yes, you did!” clarke stares at her, as though it is a stranger standing in front of her, not her mother. “you killed dad!” she accuses, breathing heavily. “you did this!”

abby’s face crumples and she wipes the tears from her cheeks, sniffling. she tries to compose herself but her voice wavers when she says, “sweetheart, please, you don’t know what you’re saying.”

“i hate you!”)

.

(clarke hates smoking, she hates the way the smell sticks to your clothes. not to mention the fact that it isn’t good for you, at all.

when murphy finds her sitting alone in the park, with tears tracking down her cheeks, he quietly sits next to her and takes out a lighter from his jacket pocket. they’re not close. he used to follow bellamy around until he graduated, and murphy claims he was too lazy to get a new group of friends so he decided to stick around with them and they all just accepted it. whether it was accepting his lame excuse or accepting murphy for the true asshole that he is, clarke’s not sure, and she’s not really in the right state to care right now.

he doesn’t say a word when he lights a cigarette and exhales the smoke through his nose before extending his hand towards clarke and offering it to her.

she takes it, because she can, and coughs as she blows out the smoke out of her throat.

“what,” murphy smirks, “nobody taught you how to smoke, princess?”

her voice is hoarse when she replies, “don’t call me that.” clarke stares at the cigarette between her fingers. she whispers, “finn calls me that.” he used to, anyway, she leaves out.

“i get it, it’s tough.” murphy sniffs, looking around the quiet park. “i had to do this once too, you know.” he smiles when clarke glances curiously at him. “i used to be in a similar situation as you now. except, my boyfriend didn’t die, or rather, i didn’t have one at the time.” clarke stays quiet. her tears have stopped now but the feeling of dying inside doesn’t seem to be dissipating anytime soon. murphy lowers his voice and adds, “my parents died of a car accident when i was eight. my dad didn’t even make it to the hospital. my mom did though.”

he’s staring ahead, his eyes seemingly lost in the memories. clarke sighs, “i’m sorry.”

“my dad’s family came to the funeral. when i say family, i mean like, his only brother and his five daughters. his parents were long dead, but there was a bunch of his friends there.” murphy smiles sadly, “my mom was still in the ICU when we buried him, she was in a coma. i stayed with my neighbour for three weeks, i went straight to the hospital from school everyday, hoping she’d be awake when i got there. the nurses kept telling me the same thing over and over again, and every time i’d walk in through those hospital doors, i begged for a change, any change.”

clarke watches as murphy shakes his head, she realises that she has dropped the cigarette, and she glances at it on the ground.

he laughs, before he looks back at her. “i guess i got what i wanted,” he says bitterly.

“what happened?”

murphy exhales, “she died. her body gave up, and well, i had to bury her three weeks after i buried my dad. my uncle took me in.” he shrugs, as though he wasn’t recalling a painful memory, before taking out another cigarette from his pocket. “life’s shit, isn’t it?”

clarke silently agrees. the wind picks up and she shivers, but she makes no move to get home.

“hey clarke, i don’t know what the deal is with your mom—”

“don’t, murphy,” she warns.

he presses on, undeterred, “but you should probably talk to her. you lost your dad, and i know you two were close—”

clarke closes her eyes, “stop.”

“i know you were barely recovering from that when finn died, but you need her and—”

“you don’t know me, murphy. stop it. i’d take this from bellamy, but not from you.”

he stares at her, wanting to contradict that first part of her statement, cigarette stuck between his lips, but then he shrugs. “whatever you say, boss.”)

.

“hey,” clarke greets quietly as she steps into the dining room, that’s adjacent to their kitchen. “i’m making tea, you want some?”

“coffee, please.” lexa doesn’t look up from one of her students’ essays when she replies. “two sugars, and—”

“lexa,” clarke quietly interrupts, “you’ve been my roommate for like, four years. i know how you like your coffee.”

she sings sweetly, “thank you.”

minutes later, a mug of coffee is placed carefully next to the stack of papers in front of lexa, before clarke plops down on the seat next to her. “do you have a lot to grade?”

lexa hums in response. “i gave them an assignment over reading week, it was a five page essay.”

clarke chuckles, taking one of the pens from her breast pocket, “can i write smiley faces on the ones with an A?”

“i haven’t given an A to anyone yet.”

“can i write sad faces on the ones with a D then?”

“no,” lexa takes a sip of her coffee and hums with approval. “C minus and below. disappointed faces.”

“roger that, commander.”

.

on thursday, clarke picks up jamie and buys him lunch at the restaurant around the corner before they go back for the meeting. he insists on ordering a sandwich bigger than his face, mostly because it has beef tomatoes in it, and clarke has no choice but to sigh and agree.

“i’m so excited,” he exclaims as they wait for their order. he’s bouncing in his seat and grinning widely, which makes clarke a little bit suspicious.

“excited for what?”

jamie replies easily, “my sandwich, my tomatoes.”

clarke tosses her head back and laughs loudly as her phone buzzes in her hand. she’s still smiling as she reads a text from lexa.

“ _good news_ ," it reads, “ _i wrapped up my lecture early. i think i can make it to j’s meeting._ ”

“i’m excited for my milkshake, too,” jamie exclaims, playing with the salt shaker.

clarke shakes her head fondly, typing out a reply on her phone.  _"how is he your kid? i ordered him a sandwich and he’s excited about the tomatoes."_

her phone vibrates minutes later. “ _i’m not sure, he gets that from you_ ,” clarke reads, a broad smile appearing on her face.

their order arrives and jamie literally explodes with happiness as he takes the sandwich apart and eats the tomatoes first. clarke captures the moment with a picture, and sends it to lexa, along with the caption, “ _he gets the cuteness from you, though._ ”

she’s halfway through her own sandwich when her phone buzzes with a final reply from lexa. “ _on my way to the school, should be there in twenty minutes._ ”

clarke smiles again at the kissy-face emoji stuck at the end of the sentence, and she sends another back before she realises something she has never in the three years she’s been living with lexa and her son.

they’re flirting with each other.

(not that they haven’t before, but this is the first time clarke actually sees it. this is the first time she takes notice of the happiness and butterflies in her stomach because of lexa and because of the adorable little boy sitting in front of her, with mayo smeared across his face.)

she stares down at her half-eaten sandwich as she realises another thing. “oh, fuck,” she mumbles.

jamie hears it and freezes, “clarke,” he stage whispers, looking around the restaurant with panicked, wide brown eyes. “you said a bad word.”

clarke looks up from her phone, staring unblinkingly at the child sitting across from her, and recalls all the other times she has flirted like this with lexa.

and now she’s just suddenly realizing that they have always been like this, and there was never a time that she saw lexa as just her roommate.

jamie’s voice returns to its normal volume, “what?”

“nothing,” she shakes her head, taking a deep breath. “hey, finish your sandwich, we gotta go soon.”

he stares at her for a little bit, narrowing his eyes, and clarke can clearly see the uncanny resemblance between him and his mother. the way he purses his lips, his silent, scrutinizing gaze, before he rolls his eyes and shrugging, dropping the subject; he is definitely lexa’s son. “okay,” jamie responds, returning his attention to his sandwich. “you said a bad word, i’m telling mommy.”

“i’ll buy you ice cream if you don’t.”

the little boy doesn’t miss a beat when he tells her, “mommy says that’s bribery.”

“you’re four, how do you know that word?” jamie only shrugs his shoulders as his reply. “i’ll get you two scoops instead of one.”

“deal.”

.

lexa automatically smiles when she spots her pair of blondes in the school playground. her smile morphs into a wince though, when jamie turns around and there’s a blur of blue and pink stains on his shirt. clarke manages to look a little guilty when she sees lexa glaring down at her son’s shirt.

“what happened?”

“clarke bought me ice cream, mommy,” jamie informs her before lunging at her for a hug. “two scoops,” he beams.

lexa gives clarke a pointed look, to which the blonde shrugs and smiles sheepishly. “sorry?” clarke tries. “he finished most of his sandwich, it was a reward.”

“no, you got me ice cream so i wouldn’t tell mommy you said a bad word.” jamie smartly corrects her, but then his eyes widen suddenly, “oops, i forgot.”

“don’t worry about it,” lexa chuckles, kissing his forehead, before throwing an amused look at clarke. “go play, jay, we’ll come get you when we’re done.” she stands as jamie skips away, “which word was it?”

clarke frowns dramatically at her, “the f one.”

lexa laughs, “he’s way over there clarke, you can say it now, you know.”

“we’re in a playground filled with children, lexa! it’s practically illegal to say that word here.”

.

there are a series of chairs lined up against the wall leading to jamie’s classroom, varying in colour and in size, and lexa sits down on the one closest to her with clarke trailing behind her when one of the helping teachers approaches them with a gentle smile.

“you’re jamie’s parents, yes?” she asks, her eyes glancing at the couple before returning down to the clipboard she’s holding.

clarke blinks, “oh, we’re not—”

the young woman stills and looks up, “you’re not? you’re not here for jamie?”

“well, yes, we are, but—”

“oh, right then,” she dismisses clarke with a quiet chuckle. “i’m maya,” she says, “i’m one of miss o’s helpers. she already called out his name, but i can tell her that you’re here now, how’s that?”

before clarke can continue denying whatever it is she’s set to deny, lexa smiles easily, “that would be great, thank you.”

maya walks off, and clarke glares at her back as she disappears into the classroom. she glances at lexa, uncomfortably perched on a chair meant for a small child, and the glare is replaced with an amused expression.

“where am I supposed to sit?” she asks, looking around them. most of the other chairs are occupied with equally, if not more uncomfortable parents trying to squeeze themselves on it.

lexa rolls her eyes with a sigh, as if she’s dealing with a child and pats her knee wordlessly. clarke happily and not-so-gracefully lands herself on lexa’s lap, earning a groan from the latter. the other parents toss them a look before turning away.

“comfy?” lexa murmurs, taking clarke’s thick, golden hair and pushing it to one side.

her breath hits the nape of the blonde’s neck, making her shiver as she replies, “yeah, best seat in the house.”

lexa snorts with laughter as maya returns from the classroom and calls out, “james woods?”

.

everything in jamie's classroom is ridiculously colourful, from the floor with alphabet mats and rugs, to the walls lined with posters and painted pictures with incomprehensible figures. clarke thinks it’s beyond adorable, and she thinks maybe if she wasn’t a doctor, she’d definitely be a preschool teacher. she’d make art with the kids all day and read them stories. then there’d be field trips to zoos and hanging out with a bunch of four year olds, it’ll be exactly like hanging out with jamie.

(it’ll be exactly what octavia described would be, back when they had sat on the floor of raven’s room, before clarke’s world had been turned upside down, drinking cheap wine they had stolen from jake’s cellar, and talking about what their future would be.

raven shakes her head disapprovingly, “why do you want to be a teacher? kids are annoying.”

“children are lovely,” octavia grins, passing the bottle to clarke. they haven’t even bothered with wine glasses. “i want to have like, ten of them.”

“o, please don’t,” clarke laughs. “i don’t think we’d be able to handle that.”

“ten mini-octavia’s?” raven pretends to shiver in fear. “besides, how are you going to have kids without a husband?” she quips, taking the bottle of white wine when clarke takes too long to drink it.

octavia rolls her eyes, “i’ll get one of those, too, obviously,” she says.

“like it’s so easy to get one.”

“well, yeah,” octavia flips her hair dramatically. “i’m irresistable,” she announces with a flash of white teeth, causing raven and clarke to erupt in drunken giggles.)

she spots one of jamie’s pictures on the far wall as they step into the classroom, and an automatic smile of pride as she deciphers a lopsided j written across the page, followed by a wobbly a, decorated with scribbles of other colours.

lexa steps up to jamie’s lead teacher who’s standing by her desk, and politely shakes her hand. “sorry, we’re late.”

“it’s not a problem at all, mrs. woods.” miss o beams. she glances at the blonde who’s still charmed by the other children’s adorable drawings, not quite seeing her face yet. “and this must be your wife, jamie mentioned her.”

lexa blinks, confused because she’s sure that she has clarified that she’s a single mother to this school before. she squeezes clarke’s arm lightly to get her attention, “this is dr. griffin,” she announces, “clarke, this is jamie’s lead teacher, miss o.”

clarke turns and plasters a friendly smile on her face, but it quickly disappears when she realises who exactly miss o is. she stills, her posture is rigid as her eyes widen, “ _octavia?_ ”

the teacher’s jaw falls open, before she lets out a suppressed shriek, “ _clarke?_ ”

lexa’s eyes widen a little when she realises, “you know each other?”

“oh my god, clarke! you’re _alive_!” without a warning, octavia launches herself onto clarke who nearly loses her balance, wrapping her in a tight hug. “where have you been all this time?”

“i—” clarke’s still in shock as octavia pulls away, grinning at her and expecting an answer. “around?” she glances at lexa for help, and octavia catches it, and steps back, clearing her throat.

“oh,” she nods, her excitement being replaced with something else as she glances between the couple. “oh, _wow_ ,” octavia exclaims, “you’re married, with a _kid_.”

lexa clenches her jaw, wondering what kind of history clarke and jamie’s teacher seem to share. “we’re not married,” she corrects. “did jamie say that?”

“he did, yesterday. my apologies, i just assumed—”

“miss o?” maya knocks on the door, biting her lip. “sorry to interrupt, but we’re running a little late.”

“right, of course,” octavia nods and maya disappears back into the hallway. she stares at clarke as if she’s going to disappear from her sight again, “i suppose i better make this quick then.” she glances down at her little notebook on the desk and flips it open to a page titled with an elegant scribble, ‘james woods’. “he’s a wonderful little gentleman,” she beams, and clarke can see the glint of pride twinkling in lexa’s eyes. “your son is very well-mannered. he is a quite shy though, but he’s coming out of his shell little by little, so it’s a working progress.”

“he’s an introvert,” clarke says a little defensively, “there’s nothing wrong with him.”

the corners of lexa’s lips quirk up as she watches octavia nod, “absolutely not, but he could be a little more sociable. he’s very good with numbers, too. he’s the only one in the class that can count up to one hundred.” she glances at clarke then at lexa, smiling proudly, “you raised him very well.”

“we did,” lexa agrees with a nod, sharing a smile with clarke that octavia does not miss at all.

“well, i’m afraid that’s it about him. if you have any questions, i could—”

“actually,” clarke sighs, “i have a favour to ask before we go. can you not tell anyone you saw me?”

“what? it’s bad enough you disappeared off the face of the earth, clarke,” she shakes her head, a frown forming on her face. “now you want me to pretend and lie to our friends about it? we finally found you, i can’t do that.”

“please, o—”

“does your mom know?” octavia interjects. “about the kid, at least?”

lexa keeps her mouth shut, as she watches the exchange. clarke shakes her head and replies, “she doesn’t need to know.”

“she does, we all did. we were so worried about you, clarke. especially your mom, she was a wreck.”

the blonde hangs her head, letting her hair cover her face to hide the tears threatening to spill from her eyes. she mumbles, “i know.” she feels lexa’s hand as it rests on her lower back as maya pops into the room again.

“miss o,” is all she says and octavia dismisses her with a simple nod.

“it was lovely to talk to you, mrs. woods,” and with that octavia wraps up the meeting, her eyes glancing at clarke.

lexa clarifies, “ _miss_. we aren’t married yet.”

clarke blinks back the tears as lexa leads her out of the classroom and through the hallway, her hand never leaving the small of clarke’s back. she asks, “yet?”

lexa’s cheeks flush red, and she’s unable to meet clarke’s eyes as she replies quietly, “it slipped out.”

clarke lets out a watery laugh, and once they’re back outside, scanning the playground for jamie, she nudges the brunette on her side. “that was fun, wasn’t it, _mrs. griffin_?”

“no,” lexa shakes her head with a smile. she jokes, returning the nudge to clarke’s ribs, “you’re the one changing your last name, _dr. woods_.”

.

they’re walking back to the parking lot alongside each other, both eyes trained on the little boy tiredly trudging ahead of them. lexa clears her throat quietly and asks, “so, how do you know jamie’s teacher?”

“octavia? she used to be my best friend, since i was twelve.” clarke replies wistfully, looking down at the ground with a small smile. “we were really close.”

lexa’s first instinct is to ask what happened, but she remembers about that one night clarke had explained everything to her, that one night clarke had made her sincerely promise to never talk about ever again.

(that one night when jamie was two and a half years old, when clarke had drunkenly cried in lexa’s arms, in lexa’s bed, on her father’s second death anniversary, and three and a half weeks before finn’s. that one night lexa held her tight and kissed her head, and fell asleep with clarke griffin clutched tightly around her waist.)

“close,” lexa echoes. she asks evenly, avoiding clarke’s curious gaze, “how close?”

“you’re not jealous, are you?” and when lexa glances at her, there’s the hint of a smirk ready to fully appear on clarke’s face.

she scoffs, “what could i possibly be jealous of?”

clarke bumps her shoulder with lexa’s, tilting her head with laughter. “that octavia was once my self-proclaimed super-bff,” she exaggerates as she flashes a smile, making the butterflies in lexa’s stomach go wild, like it always does at the sight of clarke griffin looking at her like that. “don’t worry, it’s you now.”

“i’m what now?”

clarke shimmies her shoulders, rolling her eyes obnoxiously as she sings, “my super-bff.”

“what are we, thirteen?”

the blonde’s shoulders shake with laughter, she adds, “and a half.”

 

**_ii._ **

when jamie falls asleep in the car, and clarke offers to carry him into the house, she mutters in realisation as lexa unlocks the front door. “she thinks i’m jamie’s mom, too.”

“who?”

clarke’s eyes are as wide as saucers, “octavia. oh my god, she thinks we’re together. oh my god, she’s probably calling my mom right now and telling her how i’m in lesbians with you, and that we have a _son_.”

lexa bites back, _we might as well be_ , and instead asks, “would you like to call her?”

“i’ll,” clarke pauses, as they walk into the front door and she shifts the little boy’s weight in her arms. “i’ll think about it.”

“would it be a problem?”

“what would be?”

lexa hesitates, “if your friends and your mother thought we were together?”

“no,” clarke shakes her head, chuckling. “it’d be great actually. i’d look less of a mess to them than i actually am. i would actually look like i got my shit together and moved on, from everything.” she follows lexa into jamie’s room to set him down on the bed, they carefully and quietly let the little boy onto his bed to finish his nap before slipping out of the room.

“you’re not a mess, clarke. you saved us,” lexa squeezes clarke’s arm gently.

“you saved me, too,” she murmurs in reply, trying to block out the memories of the numbness that had once consumed her years ago.

.

(it’s her last conversation with bellamy that does it. it’s his eyes, full of pity, that she sees in her mind, and his voice, lowered gently to comfort her, that echoes in her ears as she stuffs her clothes into a duffel bag. she clears her vanity into another with one sweep, and she empties her drawers quickly, not bothering to waste time on folding every single garment, before she zips her bags closed. she looks around the room and picks picture frames of her friends and family off the walls. she doesn’t let her eyes linger on the faces, instead, she stacks all of them into a box, before she moves to her bathroom to clear out the rest of her stuff.

clarke has managed to pack up her entire life within two hours, and she’s loading all of her bags and boxes into her car when her mother pulls into the driveway. abby only catches her putting a large, dark duffel bag into the backseat before she rushes out of her own car.

“clarke! where are you going?” her daughter ignores her, instead moving past her to open the driver’s side door. abby grabs clarke’s arm and repeats, “where are you going?”

“out,” clarke barks, pulling her arm away from her mother’s grip.

“out where? are you sleeping over at octavia’s?” abby asks, glancing at the bag sitting on the backseat, but then she notices it is actually filled with most of clarke’s stuff. “clarke, what the hell are you thinking?”

“i’m not, mom, okay? i just—” clarke squirms as though there’s an itch to scratch somewhere on her body, but she’s not entirely sure where it is. “i can’t be here right now.”

“no, clarke,” abby says firmly, “you’re not going anywhere. we’re going to talk and—”

blue eyes glare at her, shining with angry tears, “there’s nothing to talk about. i can’t be here, i can’t look at any of you.”

“just tell me where you’re going,” abby begs tearfully, “please.”

clarke doesn’t offer a verbal reply, she only shakes her head and gets in the car, and she can’t bring herself to look at the rear view mirror to see her mother’s fading figure in the distance.)

.

(clarke checks her bank account one morning to find that her father’s insurance company had lodged her a payment overnight, along with a little note in fine print that reads, “for full terms and conditions, please refer to our website.” she clicks the link and skims through the huge block of text, but she hums in understanding when she reads, “all beneficiaries receive the same amount,” which means her mom received the same amount of money she did this morning.

she sighs a little in relief, thinking she can pay off half of her med school loans and almost half of her new mortgage. she knows her mom will need the money, too, she did say she wanted to renovate the kitchen as her little project to distract herself from work.

or maybe, she’s not going to do that anymore. who knows, clarke thinks. she certainly doesn’t. it’s been three weeks since she has fled from her mom and her friends, she sent her mother an email saying she’s still attending med school and she’s fine, that she needs to take a breath someplace else.

her last phone call was from abby too, and she could hear her mother sobbing quietly through the phone, asking her, “when are you coming home, clarke?”

“i don’t know, mom. not anytime soon.”

“your friends miss you. i miss you.”

clarke had sighed heavily, shutting her eyes as she mumbled, “i miss you all, too.”

that was the last connection she had from her old life. she had tossed her phone in the nearest trash can and bought a new one with a new number, she cleared the details from her bank account and from med school, changing the address and contact number. the administration office wasn’t too happy with her though, when they asked for a new emergency contact and she couldn’t offer an answer.

“miss griffin, we require an emergency contact in the case of—”

“listen, i know, i know. just clear my old one and i’ll get back to you with a new one, promise.”

the old woman who sat at the desk wasn’t impressed at all, “miss griffin,” she had sighed, “i can’t do that, as much as i’d like to take your word for it.” she repeats with the same bored tone, “we require an emergency contact in the case of emergencies.”

“fine,” clarke rolls her eyes. “you can contact my dad, jake griffin. his number is—” and she recites jake’s number with ease, not bothering to mention to the old woman that he has been dead for the last three months.)

.

(it makes sense when a couple of weeks later, she asks lexa to be her emergency contact.

lexa accepts, of course, but then she asks clarke with a slightly smug expression, “is this you asking me to go steady?”

clarke picks up jamie from his playmat and wiggles her eyebrows at his mother playfully. “we’ve already moved in, we’ve gone way beyond that, lexa.”)

.

clarke offers to make dinner that night, and lexa watches her move around the kitchen gracefully, nursing a glass of white wine in her hand. she chuckles as she remembers their first few weeks of living together, when clarke had absolutely zero cooking skills, stumbling around and asking lexa questions every five minutes.

“what’s so funny?” the blonde looks up from slicing vegetables to see lexa shaking her head.

“remember the time you nearly burned half of the kitchen down when you tried to make a pizza?”

clarke flushes and resumes her task. she responds, “i thought i asked you to forget about that.”

"you told me to forget a lot of things." lexa continues, “i remember jamie was eight months old, and you insisted we should have pizza so we can test out his two front teeth.” she points to the cabinets above clarke, “that was charred to bits, and i remember there was a box of popcorn in there back then and the whole box just exploded.”

“it sounded like a gunshot,” clarke snorts. “scared the shit out of jamie,” she adds.

“and you, too,” the brunette grins. “you looked so guilty when the firefighters came.”

clarke adds the vegetables she had been slicing into a pot, “i thought i was gonna get arrested for arson.”

lexa laughs, a sound so melodic to clarke that she has to pause and turn to look at her, trying to capture the memory into her mind. “yeah, you were right about earlier. you are a mess.”

and clarke can barely stop herself when she winks and quips, “you love me, anyway.” she blushes and tries to swallow down her heart in her throat as she returns her attention to pot.

she misses the way lexa’s smile grows wider and the way she mumbles under her breath, “i do.”

.

a little while later, jamie quietly pads his feet on the floor as he walks into the dining room just as lexa’s setting the table, and he yawns before greeting her with a sleepy smile. “mommy.”

lexa rounds the table and crouches to pick him up, hugging him close, “you’re awake just in time for dinner.”

her hair tickles his chin, and he lets out a quiet giggle, “i had a funny dream, mommy.”

“yeah? wanna tell me about it?”

clarke appears from the kitchen, an apron tied around her neck. she sets down the bottle of wine on the table and jamie’s smile widens. “clarke, you were in my dream!”

“i was?” she asks, matching his excited grin. “what did i do? did i fly?”

the boy only shakes his head as lexa carries him and settles him on his usual spot at the dining table, and he simply informs them, “i called you mama. it was funny.”

clarke stills, and she shares a look with lexa. it sends warmth into her chest, the idea of being called _mama_ , it would be cementing her place in their little family unit. she wants jamie to elaborate more on it, but he seems to forget all about it and instead tugs on lexa’s sleeve.

“can i have juice, mommy, please?”

.

they eat dinner without no further incident, and when jamie pulls both of them into his room when lexa insists that it’s bedtime, he settles under his blankets and blinks up tiredly at them, “mommy, how come i don’t have a daddy?” he’s met with their surprised expressions and he presses on, “because sterling from school says you’re supposed to have a mommy and a daddy.”

lexa sits on his bed, her lips pursed as she mulls over what to say. “jamie,” she starts, glancing over her shoulder at clarke, silently asking for help. the blonde only shrugs and shakes her head, so lexa continues. “sometimes people are born with a mommy and daddy, like sterling. sometimes they’re born without either, like me. and for your case, you just have a mommy. it’s just that way sometimes.”

jamie stares at her, his lips forming a frown, then he glances up at clarke before returning his gaze to his mother. “i have a clarke, too. she’s like my daddy.”

“well—”

the little boy interjects, “or my other mommy.” his eyes light up and he bounces where he’s sitting, “hey! my friend dax has two mommies!” jamie holds up his hand and sticks up four fingers, and lexa laughs as she folds two of them down. “i have two mommies like him!”

lexa feels something stir in her chest, “jay, sweetheart,” she glances at clarke, expecting her to be shaking her head at this, but clarke’s only smiling widely at the sight of this excited little boy referring to her as his other mother.

“clarke, can i call you mommy?”

“won’t that be confusing for us? i’m already mommy.” lexa asks, giving clarke a chance to back out.

“yeah,” the blonde agrees with a quiet hum, kneeling by jamie’s bed. “you can call me something else.”

“mama?” he offers. “i want to call you mama.”

clarke’s eyes flicks to look at lexa, who’s staring at her with an unreadable expression. she’s afraid that maybe she’s crossing some barriers, and she wants to retract it, but she doesn’t want to disappoint jamie.

but apparently that’s the end of that conversation, because jamie announces, “story time, mommy,” followed by a yawn.

.

“i’m sorry, you didn’t have to do that,” lexa mutters quietly as they step out of jamie’s room. she closes the door behind her before looking at clarke, who’s nervously biting her bottom lip. “i can talk to him tomorrow, if it makes you uncomfortable that he’s—”

clarke interrupts, stepping closer to lexa. “no, no, i should be the one apologizing. i don’t want to be stepping over lines and—” she stops, when lexa closes her eyes, tilts her head back and laughs.

“ _clarke_ ,” she snorts, and her hand immediately covers her nose. it causes clarke to smile too, and she says, “there are no longer any lines. you’ve been helping me raise him since we moved in together. you fed him, played with him, changed his diapers, read him stories— you’ve done everything as i have. you might as well be his other parent.”

“wait, you’re okay with it?”

lexa nods, “i’ve been okay with it all along.”

“no, i meant, you’re okay with him calling me his other mom?”

“yes,” she rolls her eyes playfully, her eyes are bright and shining and clarke’s a little mesmerized. “you practically have been over the last three years. all he needs to do at this point is make it official by actually calling you mommy, or mama, whichever.”

clarke stays silent, and it’s lexa’s turn to be mesmerized by her entire form. her hair’s still up in a ponytail from earlier, when she was making dinner, and now loose blonde strands are tucked around her ear.

she gulps, her eyes landing on pursed pink lips. “are you okay with it?” lexa asks.

“more than okay,” clarke responds, her voice dropping to a whisper. “i wouldn’t mind, i love him.” she returns her gaze to lexa, and feels something stir in her chest, and she feels like she should be documenting this moment because something is changing between them, and she’s not sure what it is yet. “actually,” she adds, a cheeky grin forming on her lips, letting the suddenly heavy atmosphere fade away, “to make it official would be me marrying you.”

“huh,” lexa matches her grin with one of her own. “but that would make you step-mommy.”

“still mommy,” clarke shrugs.

“alright, fine, but if you’re gonna propose marriage to me, at least buy me a drink first.”

clarke’s already one step ahead of her, “want to open that other bottle of white wine?” she asks, and lexa wordlessly follows her into the kitchen.

.

(a few weeks after lexa and jamie had moved in with clarke, she notices things about her odd roommate. first, is lexa’s inability to clean after herself, which unnerves clarke.

she’s not a neat freak or anything like that, she’s quite messy herself. there are days when her clothes litter her bedroom floor, and her sheets are a crumpled mess on her bed, especially when she has morning classes.

what confuses clarke the most are the new, mysterious stains on her kitchen counter, that she suspiciously thinks are baby food remnants that haven’t been cleaned up, but she can’t confirm yet. it confuses her because for the first two weeks since lexa had moved in, she has established herself as someone who absolutely abhors a dirty house, especially the kitchen. for the first two weeks, every corner that jamie had played in had been spotless, there was no evidence left of lexa being in the kitchen whenever she prepared food. but to clarke, it seemed like the longer they have lived together, the less lexa cared about the state of the house. it was like she was always in a rush to get somewhere else that she forgets to clean up after herself.

which brings clarke to the second odd thing she had noticed about her new roommate: lexa is never home during the day. she’s always gone, with jamie, just before clarke gets up for her ten o’clock class. lexa doesn’t get back home until nearly seven, with a conked out jamie in her arms, looking like she’s ready to pass out soon, too.

clarke doesn’t want to ask, not yet anyway. she doesn’t want to scare off her new roommate and butt into things that aren’t any of her business.

she doesn’t need to though, because when her one o’clock class gets canceled on friday, which conveniently happens to be her last class of the day, she practically skips home and starts planning a much needed relaxing bath, followed by an equally needed nap. the week has taken its toll on her and she just wants to tune it out, even just for a couple of hours before she returns to the world of reality.

but it seemed that reality had other ideas.

clarke’s sprawled on her bed, clad in an old hoodie and shorts, her hair up in a messy bun and cheeks still pink from her bath when the doorbell rings.

by the time she gets to the front door, whoever is on the side has pressed the doorbell several times, impatient and frustrating the hell out of clarke. she mumbles to no one in particular, “this better be important,” just before she pulls the door open.

vera kane, the woman who lives in the house directly across from her, stands there. she’s frowning deeply, holding a shrieking, crying, red-faced jamie.

“hello clarke,” vera greets gingerly. she tries to smile and rock the baby in her arms to calm him down, but it only achieves to agitate him even more and he kicks his legs. “is lexa here?”

it takes a moment for clarke to reply, because this is not the sight she expected, at all. “no,” she answers, uncertainly. “why do you have him?”

the older woman blinks, as though clarke had spoken an entirely different language. “lexa leaves him with me when she goes to work at the library, didn’t she tell you?”

clarke blurts out, “lexa works?” but before vera could answer, jamie impatiently tugs on vera’s sleeve and lets out another loud wail.

“he’s unwell,” vera explains, trying to adjust him in her arms, but he squirms. “lexa was supposed to finish work and pick him up an hour ago.”

clarke gnaws on her bottom lip before asking, “have you tried calling her?”

vera manages to chuckle, despite being uncomfortable with the intensity of jamie’s cries. “i don’t have a phone, dear.” she nods at clarke, stepping past the threshold of the house to pass jamie onto her. “there,” she smiles widely when jamie stops crying to take a deep breath and look at clarke’s face curiously. “i have a sermon to go to,” vera informs her , as she sets down jamie’s diaper bag by clarke’s feet. “i can’t miss it, so i’m afraid i have to leave him with you.”

“what?”

but the older woman only ruffles jamie’s hair before she turns around and bids them, “thank you, dear!” she leaves clarke gaping, standing on her front porch, holding a now whimpering jamie, with tear tracks on his face.

he sniffles and rubs at his eyes, to which clarke responds by gently pushing his hands down and murmuring, “don’t rub your eyes.” he pouts up at her, but obeys, which impresses her considering he’s only seven months old. she sighs, mentally saying bye to the rest of her free afternoon before kissing jamie’s forehead, effectively pausing his whimpering. “how about a drink?”

clarke sets him down on his high chair as she moves about the kitchen, preparing apple juice in his sippy cup, wondering if she needs to sterilise it before she fills it, when jamie starts squirming in his seat. he lets out a squeal, an unhappy one, clarke notes, and she turns around to see his face crumpled before he begins to cry again.

she has no choice but to pick jamie up and let him rest his chin on her shoulder as she fills the sippy cup with apple juice and tries to close the lid tightly with one hand.

“where is your mom, jamie?” clarke murmurs to the baby when he takes the sippy cup from her and drinks from it enthusiastically. he gives her a blank stare as a reply, before returning his attention to his juice. she wipes the tears off his face before she moves to her room to where her phone is, and clarke lets jamie sit on her bed, before she shoots lexa a text.

“ _where are you? mrs. kane left jamie here, she said you should’ve been home an hour ago._ ”

jamie finishes the juice, and true to his toddler instincts, he tosses the cup from the bed and watches it topple loudly on the floor, letting out a squeal of laughter.

clarke shakes her head but she smiles, thankful that he’s in a better mood. “we don’t throw things,” she tells him, hoping it comes across as firm but gentle, as she picks up the cup from the floor.

he reaches for it, prying the red sippy cup adorned with colourful stars off of clarke’s hands, and he examines it before he throws it again, laughing adorably when it lands on the ground.

“okay,” clarke chuckles, moving to pick up the cup again, before lifting jamie into her arms. “let’s go find you something else to play with.” she takes jamie to the living room, the cup in her hand, her phone in the other, and she settles him on his playmat with a few of his soft toys.

clarke doesn’t move away from him, opting to sit on the floor with him, and jamie doesn’t play too far from her either, always crawling back to her legs whenever he reaches for a toy.

nearly an hour later, clarke has sent lexa three more messages and attempted to call her four times before jamie starts yawning. he stares up at clarke with tired eyes, repeating, “ma-ma, ma-ma.”

“mommy will be home soon,” she answers, gently pulling his hands away when he starts rubbing his eyes again. she mumbles, mostly to herself, “i hope.”

she doesn’t know how she does it, but she gets jamie to settle in her arms as they’re both curled up on the couch. clarke watches him sleeping peacefully, his eyelids fluttering, and she smiles, wondering what he could be dreaming about, when the front door clicks open.

“clarke?” lexa calls out, and a minute later, she walks in, her eyes full of worry.

clarke shushes her, “he just fell asleep ten minutes ago,” she whispers, and lexa’s shoulders visibly relaxes as she takes three strides towards the couch.

she sits by clarke, unzipping her jacket, revealing a black polo shirt and a pin with her name on it. “oh, god, clarke, i’m so sorry,” she murmurs quietly, looking at her sleeping baby in clarke’s arms. “my phone died, and i was at work—”

“hey, it’s okay,” the blonde offers her a gentle grin. she glances at the name pin on lexa’s shirt, “i didn’t know you work at the grocery store.”

lexa looks down, smiling shyly, “i— yeah, i must’ve forgotten to mention it to you.”

“that’s weird,” clarke shrugs nonchalantly, “mrs. kane mentioned you worked at the library.”

the brunette stills, and for a moment, only jamie’s even breaths can be heard in the room, along with the ticking of the clock on the wall. “i work multiple jobs,” she admits quietly.

“multiple?”

“three,” lexa clarifies, her bottom lip between her teeth. “i need to, for jamie, and for food, and for rent.”

everything seems to click in clarke’s head; the morning rush then late arrivals, the fact that lexa has been bailing out on chores, the way she looks like she’s ready to drop dead every time she comes home with jamie every night.

clarke sighs, “lexa,” and the baby shifts in her arms, murmuring in his sleep. “you don’t have to work so much.”

“yes, i do,” she replies, her eyes confused and narrowed at clarke. “you need the money i pay you, clarke, you’re in med school for crying out loud. i can’t be late on rent.”

“listen, i don’t want to tell you what to do, but you should quit your jobs and take care of jamie. you shouldn’t be leaving him with strange people like mrs. kane, she’s kind of a nutcase.”

lexa laughs, “and live off what money?”

clarke looks away, thinking of a better way to phrase it. “i mean, you shouldn’t pay rent for a while. not until you can put jamie in preschool or something.”

“i don’t want to be your charity case, clarke, i don’t even know you—”

“because,” the blonde interrupts, “you’re out the door before i even get out of bed, so we’ve never had proper conversations like this.”

jamie blinks his eyes open, his sleep interrupted by their voices. he stares sleepily at the ceiling above him, whimpering a little. lexa doesn’t take him from clarke’s arms, but she does lean over to kiss his forehead and starts humming until his eyes fall shut again.

“besides,” clarke’s whispering now, blue eyes on the child in her arms, “i don’t need the money anyway, my student loans are settled, the same goes for my mortgage, and for everything else.”

“how? you don’t work. how can you even afford to buy a house and become a doctor at the same time? doesn’t the first come after the other?”

clarke lets out a knowing laugh, before levelling lexa’s confused gaze with an amused one, “like you said, you don’t know me.”

silence settles between them, as lexa considers what clarke has told her, and it’s only then that they both seem to realize how close they are to each other. their thighs are touching and lexa’s hovering over jamie, her face inches away from clarke’s.

she asks jokingly, hoping to dissipate the tension, “are you a secret millionaire, clarke?”

the blonde’s form shakes with quiet laughter, jostling jamie in his sleep, but thankfully not enough to wake him up. “i could be like batman,” she replies.

lexa rolls her eyes playfully, shoving her shoulder lightly. “let me take him, clarke. i’ll put him to bed.”

“no,” she whines childishly in response, “he’s keeping me warm right now.”

“damn, you found out about my secret.”

“what, that you use your own baby as a personal heater?”

“perhaps,” lexa grins, “you know he has a crib, but do you know if it’s assembled in my room?”

“touché,” clarke beams. her eyes light up when she says, “hey, we should assemble it in the other room.”

“which room? the one with your broken treadmill?”

“my treadmill isn’t broken, lexa, i just don’t use it.”

“i’m glad you admitted that now,” she chuckles. “we don’t have to put it in there, i can just have it in my room. jay and i are taking up too much space in your house anyway, with his toys and everything else scattered here,” she mumbles, looking around the living room, but clarke shakes her head.

“he’s going to need his own room eventually, lexa. we can even paint it, you can pick a colour.”

“eventually?” the brunette raises an eyebrow curiously.

“well yeah,” clarke shrugs, “i don’t see you guys moving out anytime soon, i love having you around. mostly him, but you’re not so bad either.” she beams.

“ditto, griffin.” lexa lets out a chuckle. “have you eaten dinner yet?” when clarke shakes her head as her reply, she offers, “let me make you dinner, it's the least I could do after today, and apparently, until jamie is in preschool.”

clarke smiles, her eyes on lexa, “i have a better idea. how about we order pizza instead? you're too tired to cook.” and before lexa can say anything else, she reaches for her phone and unlocks it, asking, “pepperoni?”

“hawaiian, please.”)

.

they fall back into their normal routine, and it’s another two weeks after the parent-teacher incident before their perfect bubble burst once again.

a new restaurant opens, situated just a few minutes away from jamie’s school. in order to entice customers in, they offer free dessert to children under five for the first month of their opening. and whoever is in charge of their marketing is a genius, because they send flyers to the school and give them to every single student. the leaflet is colourful, with a delicious depiction of a sundae ice cream, effectively gathering the interest of children who can’t even read yet.

jamie folds the piece of paper and tucks it in his pocket when he receives it from miss o, and he forgets about it until his mom picks him up from school.

“mommy, you can read, right?” he asks, pulling the leaflet out of his pocket and handing it to lexa once they’re inside the house. “it’s free ice cream, where do we get it?” jamie stares up at his mother as she reads it, pursing her lips before she hands the leaflet back to him.

“it’s near your school,” she tells him, “if clarke comes home early and she's not too tired, we can go.”

jamie lets out a whoop, before hugging lexa’s legs, “ice cream!”

clarke agrees obviously, because free dessert, why not?

they're seated at a booth, with jamie next to clarke and lexa across from them, and he’s chattering happily to clarke about how they made a mug out of clay in school today.

lexa, who has already heard this story earlier, looks around the busy restaurant, appreciating it’s light, welcoming aesthetic. there’s paintings and sculptures lined along the purple walls, and the clinking of glasses and cutlery makes it a little harder to hear the pair in front of her, but her eyesight is unaffected when she spots a familiar looking woman walk out of the staff room.

she thinks maybe it’s her, but she looks different, it couldn't be her, it couldn't be—

their waiter returns with their drinks, and advises them that their starters will be served in a few minutes before walking off again.

“—and then miss o says we have to put it in an oven to cook it, then we can blaze it.”

clarke bursts out in laughter, “you can what?”

the four year old obliviously replies, “blaze it.”

lexa joins in, “ _glaze_ it?”

“oh, yeah! _that_ ,” he grins, “mine’s gonna be green, it’s not as good as miss o’s, though.” he squirms in his seat from side to side, "it's wobbly, like this."

“i can't wait to see it,” clarke gives him a light nudge, flashing him a loving smile that makes lexa’s heart flutter. the blonde glances at her, and she suddenly feels shy under clarke’s gaze. “that’ll be your mom’s favourite mug.”

“really, mom?”

lexa nods, “of course. it’ll be the best mug ever, jay.”

“best mug in the history of mugs,” adds clarke with a wink directed at the child.

the waiter returns with their meals, and jamie is practically vibrating with excitement for his dessert. lexa rolls her eyes affectionately, “you have to finish your food first, otherwise they won’t give you your ice cream.”

“yeah, they will,” he argues defiantly, funnelling pasta into his mouth. he chews slowly, then he quietly taps clarke, “will they do that?”

clarke manages to keep her laughter in, “want me to ask?” jamie glances at his mother before nodding.

lexa shakes her head, smiling as clarke tries to flag down their waiter, but it’s the hostess of the night that sees her first and makes her way to the table.

she flashes clarke a friendly smile, “is there anything i can do for you?”

the blonde clears her throat, “this young man right here,” she tilts her head to jamie, “wants to know if he has to finish his food first before he gets his free dessert.” clarke sends her a subtle wink, one that jamie misses and lexa catches.

the hostess lets out a laugh, shaking her head, causing her ponytail to swish from side to side. “well, the rule is, if you’re younger than five, you can get free dessert, so technically you don’t have to eat all of your dinner.” she leans closer, making jamie’s eyes widen by a fraction. “but can i tell you a secret?” the little boy nods slightly and she continues, “you get two desserts if you finish all of it.”

“really?” jamie murmurs in awe.

“really?” clarke echoes. “you better not break that promise, jamie’s good at holding grudges.”

the hostess resumes her posture, “really,” she replies. “only if he eats all of his mac and cheese.”

jamie nods, a serious expression on his face. he promises quietly, “yes, ma’am.”

“is there anything else i can do for you?” she glances at clarke, then jamie, then lexa, before her jaw drops open. “oh, my god. _lexa?_ ”

lexa gulps, her suspicions confirmed. she doesn’t break eye contact with their hostess, placing her fork down on her plate. “costia.”

 


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a lot of angsty flashbacks. also, a lot of angsty returns. bonus: clarke is persistent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> credits to the bae for proofreading for me, but we may have missed some stuff, in that case, all mistakes are mine.  
> shit gets real in this chapter, guys. trigger warning for drugs, and descriptions of a car accident.
> 
> hope you guys enjoy!

_i had a dream the other night / about how we only live one life / woke me up right after two / stayed awake and stared at you / so i wouldn't lose my mind - something i need_ , onerepublic

 

**_iii._ **

(jamie’s nearly a year old when clarke’s in the midst of her first year as a resident, and she’s assigned to pediatrics for a month. she learns more about how to deal with ill small children, snotty and red-faced as they’re comforted by their worried parent.

wells, one of the upper level residents that’s in clarke’s team, meets them by the nurse’s desk of the children’s ward. he prepares them for their month in pediatrics by starting with, “children are a little bit harder to treat, especially around the toddler ages and they can’t talk. they won’t be able to tell you where the pain is or how exactly they feel, and it’s even worse when they won’t calm down or stay still when you need them to.” he pauses, a smile forming on his lips, “sometimes,” he adds, “they’re stubborn, too. they’ll be difficult when they’re supposed to be resting, or taking their medicine, and it’s up to you to make sure they have the best experience possible in a hospital, so they won’t grow up to hate it.”

it turns out, wells’ statement about kids being stubborn also extends to some adults, meaning lexa.

jamie’s on his playmat on the floor, stacking blocks on top of each other when he notices the blonde walk in through the front door, shrugging her jacket off before pulling her shoes off and he squeals in greeting. he’s ten months old, in his crawling stage, and jamie takes off in clarke’s direction, drool on his chin, dressed in his tigger onesie pyjamas.

“hi, little guy,” she coos before bending down to pick him up. jamie responds with a giggle, before planting an open mouthed kiss on her cheek. clarke uses her sleeve to wipe off her face before she asks, “why are you still up? where’s your mommy?”

“here,” a hoarse voice groans from the couch. clarke catches lexa sneezing on the couch, her eyes half-lidded and her nose bright red. “he won’t go to bed,” she says before coughing.

“you’re sick,” clarke states, her eyes a little wide. “why didn’t you call me?”

lexa blinks, trying to open her eyes a little more. “call you for what?”

“to tell me that you’re sick,” the blonde replies, sitting on the couch and shifting jamie’s weight on her lap. she places her palm on lexa’s forehead and sighs. “you have a fever.”

“no, i don't,” lexa croaks, swatting clarke’s hand away. “i’m fine. have you had dinner? i can make you something,” she leans on her elbows, trying to get up from the couch, but clarke pushes her back down on it gently.

“you’re sick, lexa,” she repeats. “go to bed, i’ll handle jamie for the rest of the night.”

the brunette shakes her head stubbornly, “i’m perfectly fine,” she says, before she stills, bringing her hand up to her face and sneezes. clarke tilts her head slightly and gives her a pointed look as lexa sniffles. “okay, maybe i’m a little sick, but you just came home from a thirteen hour shift. give me my son.”

“no,” clarke replies. “i told you, i got him for the rest of the night. you should get some rest.”

lexa sighs, surrendering, she lets out a disgruntled noise. she tries to lean over to give jamie a kiss on his forehead, but clarke stops her. “what?”

“are you trying to pass it on to him?”

she mumbles under her breath, before, “thanks, clarke.” she tickles jamie’s side, making him squirm in clarke’s arms. “goodnight, jay. i love you. be good for clarke.” and with that, she retreats to her room.

“your mommy’s so stubborn, jay,” clarke remarks, planting a soft kiss on his cheek.

.

clarke steals the baby monitor from lexa’s room and sets it down on her nightstand, and at around three in the morning, it crackles to life. she can hear jamie’s cries from down the hall, but the baby monitor offers a louder version that rouses her from her sleep and sends her trudging out of her room.

she’s bleary eyed as she walks into jamie’s room, the one that used to hold clarke’s treadmill and the rest of her crap that she hadn’t bothered to unpack. they painted its walls light green, set up his crib in one corner and his toys in another, and clarke had added the rocking chair she had bought from an antique store, just for lexa.

the child is already sitting up in his crib, his blanket thrown over the rail and resting on the floor. clarke clicks her tongue as she picks it up, before lifting him into her arms. he’s wailing at the top of his lungs, big tears running down on his face.

“it’s okay, jay,” clarke murmurs softly, rocking him. she sings the familiar tune that lexa had taught her, and jamie’s crying is reduced to sniffling within minutes. he rests his head on clarke’s shoulder, gripping her shirt in his tiny fist. the room is quiet, save for his deep breaths and the occasional squeaking of the light wood floors, and clarke nearly jumps when she sees a figure illuminated by jamie’s night light.

“you have to rub his back,” lexa croaks from the doorway, rubbing her eyes. she’s wearing a hoodie and two pairs of pyjama bottoms, and her unruly hair is pulled to one side over her shoulder.

“you scared me,” clarke whispers, but she does as she’s told. she rubs her hand on the child’s back, effectively sending him back to sleep.

“sorry,” lexa murmurs. she doesn’t move from where she stands, she only watches as clarke gently places her son back in his crib, pulling the blanket over him and adjusting his pillow.

clarke walks out of the room, leaving the door a little bit open. she asks, “why are you up?”

lexa shrugs, “i heard him cry. my body gets up even if i don’t want to.” she takes her bottom lip between her teeth, adding, “thank you, clarke.”

“don’t mention it,” clarke yawns. “did you take the tablets i left on your nightstand?” when lexa replies with a quiet nod, she brings her hand onto her forehead. lexa’s eyes close, humming at the cool sensation of clarke's skin. “you’re still a little warm. go back to bed.”

“will that be all, doc?”

clarke gives her a sleepy smile, “ _stay_ in bed. i called wells earlier, i’m not coming in tomorrow.”

“you don’t have to skip work, clarke, i’m getting better.”

“i know, but i want to. besides, who’s gonna make jamie food? certainly not you, you’re gonna contaminate it and get him sick, too.”

lexa rolls her eyes, but she grins. “thank you, clarke.”

“you said that already,” she pokes lexa’s side. “go sleep, you look like crap.”

“so do you,” she sings hoarsely, going back to her room and leaving the blonde chuckling quietly in the hallway.

.

clarke tosses and turns in her bed, her body is exhausted but her brain just won't seem to shut up. she hears lexa's occasional cough in her bed, and after half an hour of trying to sleep, she slips out of her room and quietly peeks in to check on her roommate.

the lamp beside the bed is lit, and under the blankets, she can see lexa’s eyes blink tiredly at her. “hey,” lexa whispers.

“can't sleep?” clarke whispers back, closing the door quietly behind her.

lexa burrows underneath her sheets and tells her, “i can't get comfortable, i’m cold.”

“underneath all of this?” clarke counts four blankets on top of lexa, and she laughs quietly. “i’d bring jamie in here to keep you warm but i don't want him to get sick.”

green eyes stare at her, and for a moment, lexa looks like she wants to say something but instead, she closes her eyes and presses her face against the pillow.

“what?”

“would you mind if,” lexa mumbles into the pillow. she clears her throat, continuing hesitantly, “do you want to sleep next to me?”

clarke answers with a nod, turns off the lamp and crawls into lexa’s bed. wordlessly, she presses her body against lexa’s, throwing an arm over her torso and letting the sick girl nuzzle her neck.

“better?”

lexa hums in response, sighing delightedly at her new source of warmth.

“can i ask you something?”

“yes, clarke?”

she lets silence take over for a moment, not quite sure how she should phrase the question, but she ends up blurting out, “what's the deal with jamie’s dad?”

“he.. doesn't have one,” is lexa’s curt reply.

“i know, i just,” clarke shrugs, closing her eyes. “i’m guessing you don't talk to him anymore.”

“jamie’s father left,” lexa whispers into clarke’s neck. “it was my ex-girlfriend’s fault.”

“you had an ex-girlfriend?” it makes clarke giddy, the piece of information itself somehow sends a jolt of electricity through her spine, making her much more aware of how close they are. her skin tingles where lexa’s breath lingers on it, where her hand rests on lexa’s waist, and suddenly she feels very awake.

“yes,” the brunette replies. she sighs before continuing, “costia was her name. we were together for four years, but i broke up with her.”

“why?”

“i fell out of love with her, she changed into someone else, not the costia i fell in love with at the start. she tried to get me back, she got so desperate.” lexa pauses, tapping clarke’s arm. “are you still awake?”

clarke hums, “then what happened?” she whispers in the dark.

lexa’s glad that she had turned off the lamp, otherwise clarke would see the slight blush that unexpectedly creeps up to her cheeks. “up to that point, i had never slept with a guy. i wanted to know what it was like. i slept with one of anya’s friends, i got pregnant.”

“which friend?”

“an old friend, you don't know him, clarke. he was supportive when i told him, he said he would help me raise the baby. then, costia found out. she got angry. i guess,” lexa pauses to clear her throat, “i guess all the love she had for me turned into hate at the idea of me moving on, and she decided she wanted to ruin the rest of my life. she convinced jamie’s father that i had lied to him, because i knew he was a good guy, that he would offer to help me. she told him that the baby wasn't his, that i was taking advantage of him.”

“she didn't,” clarke mumbles, pressing a soft kiss on lexa’s head.

“she did. jamie’s father left, my boss let me go because he wasn't interested in covering for my maternity leave, and i had to defer from my last year of my doctorate. i stayed with my uncle until i gave birth to jamie. he took care of us for a while.”

“what made you move out?”

“he died of a heart attack,” lexa replies quietly, and clarke’s stunned in silence, tightening her arms around her. “he left a little bit of money for jamie and i, but it wasn't enough. the house got repossessed, and then we moved in with you. you saved us from being homeless, clarke.”

they lay together in silence, and clarke’s not sure if lexa’s still awake when she asks, “is this the same uncle that you named jamie after?”

“his middle name, yes,” lexa murmurs, “james augustus woods.”

“no offense, but his name is really pretentious.”

lexa lets out a hoarse laugh, “i think it suits him.”

“that's because you named him.”

“what would you have named him, then?”

“jamie,” clarke smiles in the dark, “i can't imagine calling him anything else.”

“and his middle name?”

“cornelius.” she receives a light shove from lexa, “ow,” clarke says even though it doesn't hurt at all. “you don't like it?”

“yes, because james cornelius woods isn't a pretentious full name, too.”

“well, i think it's lovely, _alexandria_.”

she groans, “you're annoying. let me sleep.”)

.

jamie is oblivious to the sudden tension that settles between the three adults, since he's on a mission to eat all of his mac and cheese and get _two_ desserts. he does stop when he notices that both his mom and clarke are staring at the lovely hostess, while the woman herself is gaping at lexa. “mommy,” he mutters, “cla— mama, what’s wrong?”

clarke knows exactly who this woman is, and she can see lexa’s quiet anger settling into steel in her green eyes, so she slips her hand on the table and takes lexa’s hand. “you know each other, sweetheart?”

costia looks at their joined hands, glancing between them. lexa locks eyes with clarke, a silent question of, “ _what the fuck are you doing?_ ” before she finally catches on.

she nods once, keeping her eyes on clarke’s before she glances at the hostess. “this is costia, i’ve mentioned her before. costia, this is my.. um, clarke. i didn't know you worked here.”

“i see.” costia cuts her gaze to clarke, sending a death glare that contrasts the friendly smile she had been flashing only minutes ago. she regains her composure and clears her throat, “i own the place, actually.” she gives lexa a malicious smile, glancing around the table and her eyes landing on jamie who is curiously looking at her now. “and this must be _the child_.” she sneers, pushing her dark hair away from her forehead, “i’m surprised you haven't gotten rid of him, after he left.”

jamie looks at her, perplexed. he scoots closer to clarke, “mama..”

“costia,” lexa hisses, and she feels clarke’s hand tighten around hers.

“excuse me, but is that anyway to speak to your customers?”

“my apologies,” costia grins like she hadn't said anything, bringing her hand to her lips. “it was lovely to meet you, claire.”

“ _clarke_ ,” lexa grits out.

“if there isn't anything else,” and with that, costia walks off, attending to other tables, leaving lexa silently fuming in her seat. she’s holding onto clarke’s hand like a lifeline, who's staring at her with concern written in her features.

“are you ready to go?” she asks, and jamie tugs on her arm.

“we haven't had dessert yet, cla— mama,” he says, furrowing his eyebrows. “we can't go yet.”

clarke smiles softly at what he had called her. “how about we buy a tub of ice cream and eat that at home instead? and brownies, too. we can put on a movie. that'll be much more fun.”

jamie casts a glance at his mother and takes note of her rigid posture. “mommy, are you okay?”

“i’m okay, jay,” lexa nods, plastering a slight smile to keep him from worrying. “ice cream and brownies, that sounds better than what they have here.”

he thinks it over for a second before he nods, and soon clarke is lifting him up into her arms. “i can walk, mama,” jamie says, but clarke doesn’t let him down. lexa leaves a few bills on the table, enough to cover what they had ordered, before clarke pulls her close and rests her hand on lexa’s waist as she leads them out of the restaurant.

the night is cool and they walk back to the car that’s just parked right across the street, letting the streetlights illuminate the way.

clarke straps jamie into his car seat, and she notices lexa standing next to her instead of getting in the car. she shuts jamie’s car door before she turns to her and says, “come here,” pulling lexa into a hug.

“i just,” lexa mumbles tearfully into her shoulder, “i never thought i’d see her again. she ruined my life, clarke.”

clarke rubs her back to soothe her, “i’m here, it's okay.” from where she’s standing, she can see the door of the restaurant opening and a woman walking out. costia stands there, watching them, no doubt glaring at them. “she's watching us.”

“what?”

“she's staring right at us, lexa.” clarke whispers. “we should go,” she says before kissing lexa’s cheek. she opens the car door and nudges for lexa’s to get in. “i’ll drive, get in before she charges at us.”

.

two scoops of ice cream and gigantic chunk of a brownie later, jamie falls asleep in between them on the couch, with _toy story_ playing on the television. his head is on clarke’s lap and his feet are on lexa’s.

clarke runs her hand through his dark blonde hair and she says quietly, “your ex is a psycho.”

lexa chuckles, “tell me about it.” she keeps her eyes on the tv, “what was that by the way?”

“what was what?”

“in the restaurant, you held my hand and, well.” she smiles slightly, turning her head to look at clarke. “you know,” she gestures with her hand, her cheeks flushing pink.

“oh, i did that so she’d back off.” clarke shrugs her shoulders. “i guess it did the opposite of what i wanted.”

“well, she did back off, sort of.”

clarke nods absentmindedly. “i don't like her,” she remarks. “‘bitchy’ isn't enough to describe her.”

“language,” lexa chides.

the blonde gives her a blank look. “he's asleep.”

lexa playfully rolls her eyes at her. “whatever you say, _sweetheart_.”

clarke blushes, looking away. “sorry, i should've warned you first.”

“no, no,” she shakes her head. “i should be thanking you, actually.”

clarke suddenly sits up, “oh my god,” the blonde exclaims before her shoulders begin to shake with laughter. “she probably thinks we’re dating, too. that's like, what, two people at least, if octavia hasn't told everyone else yet.” lexa groans, hiding her face in her hands. “what’s wrong with dating me?” clarke asks, pretending to look offended.

“ _fake_ dating, clarke. that's not even real dating.”

“so? it's not like we’re being serious about it. it's like, passive fake dating.”

lexa stares at her as if she had grown three heads. “what the hell is that?”

“well, passive fake dating is just not correcting people when they assume we're dating. _active fake dating_ , however, is when we actively lie to people about the nature of our relationship.” clarke replies with a proud grin.

lexa narrows her stare at the blonde, “you've taught about this before, haven't you? aren't they the same concept anyway?”

she rolls her blue eyes, “shut up. so, what do you say, will you passively fake date me, then?”

“no, lying is wrong, clarke.” lexa stills when jamie stirs in his sleep. “besides,” she lowers her voice, “why would i do that?”

“to piss off your psycho ex-girlfriend and to make my friends think my life is fantastic?”

lexa fakes a quiet gasp, “you mean your life isn't fantastic with me in it?”

“you know what i mean, answer the question.”

before lexa can, though, jamie interrupts them, “mommy,” his eyes blinking open. “mommy, need to pee.”

.

that conversation is forgotten, and the following day, clarke decides to spend her day off by sleeping as much as she can. her body disagrees though, and she wakes up at half seven, unable to fall back asleep.

she gets out of bed an hour later, making a cup of coffee and pancakes, and she hears one of the dining chairs screech on the floor, followed by a quiet, “ugh.”

she turns around to find lexa rubbing her knee, glaring at the dining chair with the intensity of a thousand suns. she catches clarke looking at her and she smiles sheepishly. “i walked into it,” lexa admits. “i’m okay.”

clarke laughs, before turning back to the stove and flipping the pancake. “is jay still sleeping?”

lexa nods, followed by, “why are you awake so early? isn't it your day off?”

“i couldn't go back to sleep,” clarke replies, turning the stove off and flipping the last pancake onto the plate. “want some?”

“maybe later,” lexa moves to make a cup of coffee but clarke waves her hand, making her pause. she’s about to ask, but suddenly, there’s a freshly brewed cup of coffee in front of her in clarke’s hands. she slowly takes it, mumbling, “thank you, clarke.” she takes a sip, a slow smile spreading on her lips, “you always seem to make my coffee better than i do.”

clarke serves three plates on the counter, each with a stack of pancakes and banana slices on the side. “that's because i’m amazing.” she flashes an obnoxious smile, making lexa roll her eyes.

“sure,” she chuckles quietly. she eyes the pancakes before her, “hey, did you put—”

“chocolate chips? yes, i did.”

lexa sighs happily, “now i remember why i like having you around.”

.

(“i have the worst headache,” jake says into the phone, closing the front door behind him and dropping his keys on the floor along with his bag. “what do i take, doc?”

abby sounds like she’s walking, going from one patient to another, “there are painkillers in the medicine cabinet, honey. take two, three if it’s really bad.”

“how bad is really bad?” jake asks, trudging upstairs. he glances into clarke’s room, just to check if she’s in there, she’s not.

“on a scale of one to ten, how bad is the pain?”

“a twelve,” he replies, chuckling. “like the time i broke my leg, except i feel it in my head.”

“don’t be ridiculous,” abby breathes into the phone, “no more than three. i have to go.”

“hey, bring clarke some lollipops when you get home.”

she laughs, making him smile. “our daughter is in college. she’s not a child anymore.”

“i know, but she might want some.” jake opens the medicine cabinet, scanning the various bottles for a painkiller. “remember how she used to get excited because you’d bring her a handful from the nurse’s desk when she was little? ‘ _the perks of having a mother who is also a pediatrician,_ ’ she used to say.”

“ _jake_ ,” abby chuckles, “i have to go. i love you. i’ll call you later.”

“okay, i love you, too.” he replies before ending the call. he finds a blue bottle, half-empty, and he reads, “ _percocet_ , for moderate to severe pain.” it’s perfect, his pain is probably moderate to severe anyway. he shakes out three tablets, before replacing the cap and putting the bottle back in the medicine cabinet.

he takes it with a glass full of water, and completely misses the warning on the label that says, “ _under any circumstances, do not mix with alcohol._ ”

it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, because those two bottle of beers he had taken with a few friends only an hour before are in the back of his mind, opting to go back downstairs to watch tv and relax for the rest of the night.

.

it’s clarke who finds her father napping on the couch, just after eight. she closes the curtains in the living room quietly, turning on the lamp on the far side of the wall and kisses his forehead before she goes upstairs to hop in the shower. she has three papers to do that are due within the end of the week, but it’s her hunger that makes her go back downstairs to the kitchen.

she passes her dad, still on the couch, and as she opens the fridge door, she calls out, “dad, it’s nearly nine. you’re gonna mess up your sleeping pattern like that.” jake doesn’t stir, and clarke goes about to make herself a sandwich. “dad,” she calls out again, sticking her head in the living room. “dad, do you want a sandwich? i’m making one.”

clarke expects a tired grunt, or for him to at least open his eyes and shake his head at her. jake’s a light sleeper, she knows because she can barely sneak back inside the house when it’s three in the morning without him standing by her bedroom door with a tired smile, followed by a, “glad you’re back home safe, sweetheart.”

but jake barely stirs, he doesn’t even move, and clarke narrows her eyes at the blanket covering his stomach down to his feet, and her heart skips a beat when she notices his chest is as still as everything else in the room.

“dad,” she walks closer to the couch, “dad, wake up.” the blonde taps his face, expecting him to open his eyes, but he doesn’t. “shit, _dad_.” she shakes him, panic and dread beginning to settle in her stomach. the blanket falls onto the floor, and jake griffin is as still as the night.

.

abby comes home, and she finds an ambulance and a police car parked in front of the house. fearing the worst, she immediately parks her car and sprints up her driveway, past the curious neighbours to find her daughter sitting at the bottom of the stairs, a blanket around her shoulders. finn and raven are sitting on either side of her, and they both glance at abby, their eyes full of sympathy because she has no idea what’s going on yet.

before abby can even approach her daughter, a police officer grabs her by the arm squeezes gently. “mrs. griffin,” he says, “i’m officer miller.”

she looks around, before returning her gaze to him. “what’s going on? where’s my husband?”

the officer frowns, “i’m so sorry, mrs. griffin.”

.

it’s three days later, and clarke’s in her room, furiously typing on her laptop, glancing at the clock every now and then. she has four hours to finish her essay before it’s due to be emailed to her anatomy professor, when abby knocks on the door softly. she doesn’t say a word when her mother walks into her room, only giving her a quick glance before returning her attention to her laptop.

“clarke, honey.” abby starts, wringing her hands. she approaches clarke, placing her hand on her daughter’s shoulder. “the coroner’s report came.”

clarke’s hands still. she turns to look at her mother who has tears in her eyes.

abby continues, “he overdosed. the report said he had alcohol and oxycodone in his blood, and it slowed down his respiratory system until it stopped completely.”

she stands from her computer chair, glaring daggers at her mother. her voice is even and it never breaks when she says, “you said you told him to take painkillers, mom. you let him take alcohol with it?”

“i didn’t know he was out with his friends before he came home, i would’ve told him not to take anything if i knew.” abby steps closer to her, tears threatening to spill from her eyes. “i wouldn’t have said that to him. clarke. i’m so sorry.”

“you knew! mom, how could you do this—”

“clarke,” abby sobs, her hands trying to reach her daughter, trying to calm her, “i didn’t know, i didn’t—”

“yes, you did!” clarke stares at her, as though it is a stranger standing in front of her, not her mother. “you killed dad!” she accuses, breathing heavily. “you did this!”

abby’s face crumples and she wipes the tears from her cheeks, sniffling. she tries to compose herself but her voice wavers when she says, “sweetheart, please, you don’t know what you’re saying.”

“i hate you!”

a sudden silence suffocates both of them, and clarke looks at the floor, letting her tears fall. abby is frozen where she stands. she murmurs, “i didn’t know, clarke. i never wanted this.”

clarke lets out a sob, before turning around and closing her laptop, shoving it into her bag. “i’m going to finn’s.”)

.

jamie wakes up a little while later, and he trudges sleepily to the kitchen, following the delicious smell of pancakes. “can i eat them in front of the tv?”

lexa is focused on her phone, reading through her emails, so it's clarke that says, “i thought you're not allowed to eat on the couch.”

“but i wanna watch my cartoons,” he sticks out his bottom lip, wrapping an arm around clarke’s leg. “please, mama.”

she tries to hold onto her resolve, but instead, she sighs and replies, “okay, just don't make a mess.”

the little boy takes the plate from her and disappears into the living room, just as lexa looks up from her phone and raises a perfectly curved eyebrow at clarke.

“what?” the blonde shrugs, taking a seat next to her, “he said please.”

“when he's older and asks for a car, send him to me.”

clarke tosses her head back and laughs, and she catches the small smile on lexa’s lips. “he's only four, that'll be ages away.”

.

jamie returns his plate to the dining table and he notes the way his mommy’s feet are on clarke’s lap, who is focused on the laptop in front of her. they’re still in their pyjamas, even though it's nearly one in the afternoon, and he almost forgets to ask, “hey mommy, what does S-O-D-L mean?”

“what?”

“no, wait,” the boy shakes his head, “S-O-L-D?”

“sold?” clarke offers, shutting her laptop closed. “where did you see that, jay?”

“the sign next door,” he shrugs, his gaze between his mother and clarke, and he narrows his eyes when they turn to each other and share a look. “what does it mean?”

lexa is the one who answers, “it means the house next door belongs to someone now.” her eyes are still on clarke and she continues, “hopefully they’re not as crazy as our last neighbours.”

“no one can be as crazy as cage wallace and his creepy friends,” clarke pretends to shudder in fear, and lexa shoves her lightly, laughing.

“can we bake them cookies? like we did for auntie anya when she moved to a new house?” asks the four year old, who decides to climb onto clarke’s lap, effectively replacing his mother’s feet.

“that’s a great idea, jay,” lexa smiles, kissing his forehead, “i doubt anyone has moved in yet, though.”

“we’ll wait, until there’s someone next door,” clarke says, “and you two aren’t allowed to bake cookies without me.”

.

**_iv._ **

(exactly three and a half weeks after jake griffin’s death, clarke finds herself in the familiar house she’s been frequenting almost everyday. she closes the front door behind her quietly, hoping not to disturb the occupant in the living room, but she’s caught, and she hears, “clarke, is that you?”

she stops at the foot of the stairs, “yes, mrs. collins. i’m just here to see finn.”

“as you always do,” the woman chuckles, and from where clarke is standing she can see finn’s mom wave her hand. “he’s in his room, go ahead.”

the blonde quickly jogs up the stairs and towards finn’s room, and she finds him on his bed, along with raven and octavia. “hey,” she greets, dropping her bag on the floor. “i didn’t know you guys were here.”

“when are they never here?” finn grins, getting up from the bed to kiss clarke’s cheek.

behind him, raven looks away with a roll of her eyes. “hey, clarke.”

“we’re bored,” octavia informs her, “please tell me you’re here to entertain us.”

clarke chuckles, “well, if i must,” she says, shrugging off her jacket. finn whistles along with raven.

she drops down on the bed, just as octavia asks her, “how’s you and your mom?”

“nothing’s changed,” clarke shrugs nonchalantly, “we still don’t talk. i try to avoid her as much as i can, which is easy because she’s never home.”

“still?” finn sighs, running his hand through his hair. “it’s been nearly a month since your dad died, clarke, you two have to talk properly sooner or later.”

“there’s nothing to talk about.” she effectively drops the subject, turning to raven, “so, got any ideas what we can do until we grab dinner?”

“how about a drive?” raven offers, and finn’s eyes light up.

“why didn’t you say that earlier? let’s go, ladies.”

octavia has her phone in her hand, and she shakes her head. “if by drive, you mean drive me home, then yes. bell’s being an asshole.”

“what,” raven is up from the bed, fixing her ponytail. “big brother wants you home already? it’s too early.”

“he wants ‘family time’”, octavia holds up two fingers for air quotations, “with me and my mom,” she rolls her eyes, getting up too. “sorry guys, i’ll make it up to you tomorrow.”

finn takes his car keys from his computer desk, but clarke clears her throat and holds out her hand. “let me drive,” she says, “it’s my turn.”

.

clarke wakes up at two in the morning later that night, and she stares up at the white ceiling before she even realizes where she is.

she’s in the hospital.

she figures out she’s hooked up to some sort of painkiller, because her body feels numb and her mouth is dry, and it’s a struggle to keep her eyes open. the blonde manages to turn her head to the right side, and she sees raven on another bed, her left leg wrapped in a cast.

she lets out a garbled noise, and it alerts whoever is resting on the visitor’s chair to her left. “clarke, i’m here.”

“finn?”

“no, sweetheart, it’s me,” clarke recognizes her mom’s voice, murmuring softly to her. “you’re okay.”

she asks hoarsely, trying to keep her eyes open. “where’s finn?”

it comes back to her in sudden flashes, like faded memories being watched underwater.

she remembers laughing, her window open and her hair flowing wildly in the wind. she remembers her grip on the steering wheel, finn’s hand occasionally brushing against hers when they’re at a stoplight, octavia’s voice floating through the car, coming from directly behind clarke, and raven’s voice replacing hers as she replies from where she’s sitting in the backseat behind finn. she remembers bellamy, waving at them from the front door as octavia walks up her driveway, his hair tousled and unruly, and she even remembers raven's comment, comparing his locks to a bird’s nest.

and then she remembers that junction, where the stoplight lit green and she breezed through it, like every other time she drove through that road, and then she hears that truck honking as it drove into the side of the car, loud at first, before the jarring noise fades into nothing.

clarke remembers the tires screeching, metal crunching, raven’s yelp from the backseat, and then she remembers the pain on her head, the smoke coming from the car, and the weightless feeling before everything turns dark.

“sweetheart,” abby’s voice is soft and quiet, like how she used to talk to clarke when she was little, “finn’s gone.”

.

raven misses finn’s funeral, and she decides to go to clarke’s on the day she’s released from the hospital. bellamy and murphy drive her there, and the latter offers to take her wheelchair out, but instead she asks for the crutches and makes it to clarke’s front door by herself while the two helplessly trail behind her.

clarke’s eyes are red-rimmed and she still has the cast for her sprained wrist. she’s a little disoriented from her pain meds, but she seems to wake up when she opens the door and raven greets her with a slap across the face.

“raven,” bellamy warns as he steps forward, his tone stern yet protective.

“you killed him,” raven accuses tearfully. “you did this to me.” clarke offers no reply, swallowing the lump that has formed in her throat. “i didn’t even get to say goodbye, clarke.”

clarke wants to apologize, but what good will that do?

“he’s my family. he was the only one i had left, and you took him from me—”

bellamy interrupts, “ _raven_ , clarke didn’t want this to happen as much as you did.”

“it’s bad enough that he fell in love with you and i was forced to watch him love you the way i wanted to be loved,” she trembles, her good leg shaking. “and now, now you killed him!”

clarke stares at her, and she doesn’t look like she’ll be talking back soon, so bellamy sighs and offers her a sympathetic glance before turning to raven. “i’m taking you home.”

“you’re not doing anything—”

“you need rest, raven,” he insists, and raven nods slightly, before bellamy takes her into his arms and walks back to the car. he leaves murphy standing on clarke’s front porch, driving raven back to his house.

“want to go to the park?” murphy offers. clarke shakes her head slightly, and he continues, “we don’t have to walk together, i’ll be there and i’ll just find you. how’s that sound?”

the blonde looks up, sighing deeply. “i’ll meet you there.”)

.

unfortunately, clarke misses baking the cookies for their new neighbours when she’s called in for a twenty-three hour shift. she walks in through the front door, dead on her feet, she is greeted by lexa in the hallway.

“i didn’t hear your car come in,” she says, taking clarke’s coat for her.

clarke mumbles her thanks, followed by, “wells drove me home. i left my car in the hospital. he said i shouldn’t drive.”

the brunette offers her quiet hum, “you haven’t introduced this friend to me before.” she follows clarke into the living room, watches as she drops onto the couch and pulls lexa by her waist. clarke rests her face on lexa’s stomach, grinning slowly when she feels lexa’s hands massage her scalp, letting blonde hair free from her ponytail.

“we’re not friends, he’s in my team.” she murmurs tiredly against the fabric of lexa’s shirt. “where’s jamie?”

as if summoned by the mention of his name, jamie appears from the kitchen, a wooden spoon in his hand. he approaches the couch slowly, narrowing his eyes at the seemingly intimate conversation his mother and clarke are having. “mommy,” he interrupts, “they’re done!”

lexa turns to look at him, but doesn’t move away from clarke. “did the timer go off?”

“no,” jamie replies. “clarke, are you okay?”

“clarke’s tired, jay. she had work, remember?” the blonde lets out a muffled noise against lexa’s stomach, agreeing.

“oh.” the four year old pauses. “we made extra cookies for you, mama.”

clarke lifts her head and blinks tiredly at him, letting a slow smile appear on her face. “thanks, jay. you’re the best.”

he tugs on lexa’s shirt, “can we give them to mr. lincoln now?”

“who’s mr. lincoln?”

lexa takes her hands away from clarke, and the blonde frowns as she releases her hold around her. “lincoln,” she corrects her son, “he’s our new neighbour. he lives with his fianceé and their roommate. we can pack the cookies and go over in a few minutes.”

“can i come?” clarke asks, and jamie jumps with excitement.

“yes! you get to meet mr. lincoln, he’s really tall.”

.

jamie is right, their new neighbour is really tall. standing at six foot one, lincoln washington introduces himself with a flash of bright white teeth. he ruffles jamie’s hair fondly, before taking the tupperware filled with freshly baked cookies.

“welcome to the neighbourhood,” lexa gives him a reserved smile. “we live right next door.”

“lincoln?” a voice queries from inside the house, and lincoln opens the door wider to reveal his fianceé.

“miss o?” jamie pipes up, “what are you doing here?”

“you know her?” lincoln asks, as octavia steps closer to him. she grins widely, taking in the sight of clarke and lexa, along with their son.

“she’s my teacher,” jamie informs him, “you live here now?”

“yes, i do,” is octavia’s cheerful response, and clarke’s eyes widen slightly. “i guess we’ll be seeing a lot of each other, as we should.” she winks at the blonde, directing the last part of the sentence to her. she turns to lincoln, “i’ve told you about clarke, right?”

“wait, you’re clarke griffin? _the_ clarke griffin?”

the blonde nods, wordlessly, and jamie chimes in, “mama, you’re famous? but i thought you’re a doctor?”

“who’s a doctor?” another voice floats through the hallway, and clarke recognizes it, her eyes snapping to octavia’s.

“is that—”

raven appears at the doorway, standing next to octavia, a metal brace supporting her left leg. she shows no surprise in seeing clarke, after three years, but she does glance at lexa and jamie with  curiosity in her eyes.

lincoln gestures to raven, “this is our roommate, raven. she’s living with us for a little bit.”

“ _indefinitely_ ,” the girl adds, and octavia rolls her eyes.

she clarifies, “she’s broke so she’s crashing here.”

lexa nods evenly, not giving away that these people are all familiar to her, through clarke’s stories. “it’s nice to meet you.”

octavia tilts her head, glancing at raven, “this is clarke’s partner, lexa, and their son, jamie.”

and that’s the moment everything in raven’s head screeches to a halt, her eyes widening, and she takes a second glance at the three of them standing on their front porch. “ _you have a son?_ ”

clarke and lexa make no move to correct octavia, instead, the blonde nods her head slightly, “i guess.”

“ _you guess?_ you disappear for three _fucking_ years and don’t tell us—”

“raven,” lincoln hisses, “there’s a child,” he whispers harshly.

jamie looks oblivious as ever, but he presses himself against lexa’s leg. his mother glares at her, “we should get going.”

raven shakes her head, “i’m not done yet—”

“really,” lexa insists, “we should go. we can have this conversation at another time, clarke just came home from work, she’s tired.”

“i think clarke can speak for herself—”

octavia interjects, nodding at lexa, “you’re right, thank you for the cookies.” she glances at clarke, who looks like she wants to disagree, but she turns away to nod at lexa.

“it was lovely meeting you,” lincoln smiles, a little uncomfortably, trying to pull raven back into the house.

.

jamie seems to forget the awkward disaster that was meeting their new neighbour and busies himself with his toys in his room, just as they get home. clarke lingers by her bedroom door, and lexa places her hand on her shoulder.

“hey,” lexa says.

“i left,” clarke mumbles, “i left to get away from them, from all of the things that happened.”

“we can’t always run from our problems, clarke,” lexa responds, “the past has a way of coming back to us, one way or another, whether we like it or not.”

“i’m not really in the mood for one of your lectures, woods.”

lexa sighs, “okay,” she lets her hand drop and goes to check on jamie, but clarke stops her by grabbing her wrist.

“will you—” clarke tries to ask, “can you—” she gestures to her bed, avoiding lexa’s eyes, “i don’t want to be alone.”

“of course,” lexa smiles gently, “i’ll be with you in a second, i need to check on jamie.”

.

a few minutes later, lexa settles into clarke’s bed, and without hesitation, the blonde wraps her limbs around her, cuddling her close. clarke asks quietly, breaking the comfortable silence, “will you date me?”

“ _what?_ ”

“let me rephrase,” clarke chuckles tiredly, “fake date me.”

“i thought i already was,” lexa replies, trying to calm her heart.

“ _actively_ fake date me. we’re passively fake dating, we need to step it up.”

the brunette rolls her eyes, feeling clarke’s warm breath on her neck. “and what will this achieve again?”

“my friends will think i’ve gotten my shit together and leave me the hell alone, they won’t try to make me talk to my mother, or talk about what happened before?” clarke offers, “no one will ask you about jamie’s dad ever again? i’ll defend you from your bitchy ex-girlfriend?”

“clarke griffin,” lexa mockingly scolds, “such language.”

“well?”

lexa considers it in her head. it would make sense for them to actively fake date each other. for the sake of clarke’s pride, she could do it. it would only be in front of clarke’s friends or in front of costia anyway, nothing else would need to change. but still, there’s something about pretending to be in love with clarke that makes lexa feel uneasy.

“i don’t know, clarke,” she whispers, and the blonde stays quiet. “i want to help you, but, won’t it be weird between us?”

she turns her head a little, expecting clarke to answer, but all lexa sees is a sleeping clarke, her face only inches away from hers. it would be so easy to kiss those lips, to finally feel them against her own.

“sweet dreams, clarke,” lexa whispers.

.

it’s a monday the next day, and lexa’s in her office in the university, finishing the final touches to the exam she’s giving her students at the end of the week. jamie’s in school, and clarke’s at home, probably sleeping, probably reading her medical journals.

there’s a quiet knock at the door, and lexa doesn’t even look up when she calls out, “come in.”

the door creaks open, and costia is standing there, her dark hair down and flowing past her shoulders. she shuts the door quietly behind her before sitting down on one of the chairs in front of lexa’s desk.

costia smirks a little when she reads, “ _dr. alexandria woods, phd_.” she hums, “my, my, you’ve done well for yourself, haven’t you?”

lexa’s lips form a thin line, and she skips her usual polite greeting in exchange for, “costia, to what do i owe this visit?”

“please, look more enthusiastic to see me, i dare you.”

“i don’t have time for your games, costia,” lexa sighs, placing her pen back on the desk and reclining back on her office chair. “what do you want?”

costia gives her a sly smile, “i wanted to catch up. i’ve missed you, i’m sure you’ve missed me, too.”

“i haven’t,” lexa responds, deadpan. “i don’t want to catch up with you.”

costia replies, unaffected, “we were together for four years, lexa. we were childhood friends turned lovers, i’m sure you missed me at some point.”

“i did,” she clicks her tongue, “but that was before you ruined my life and ruined my son’s chances of meeting his biological father.”

“like you ever wanted to be associated with that low-life, anyway.”

“he was a good man—”

costia rolls her eyes, interjecting, “was he? then why did he leave you to raise your kid alone?”

“because you convinced him that i lied to him!” lexa’s nostrils flare, she can feel her blood boil in her veins, and she wants nothing more than for lightning to strike costia where she is right now. she accuses costia, “it’s all _your_ fault.”

but costia sits there, a smug expression on her face. she pretends to examine her nails before she nonchalantly nods, “i suppose it is. but really, i was doing you a favour. you’re the gayest person i’ve met, lexa. i’m surprised you managed to sleep with him, of all people.”

lexa clenches her jaw, “leave, or i’m calling security.”

costia lets out a laugh, standing from her seat. she steps toward the desk, approaching lexa with dark eyes, “i really have missed you,” she murmurs. “getting rid of that pathetic asshole you share a son with was necessary, because i wanted to you back. but you went off to your uncle’s and then disappeared, and i couldn’t find you.”

“i don’t want to do anything with you, let alone get back with you.”

“you’re in love with me, lexa. we’ve known each other forever, we broke up because of miscommunication—”

“on your part,” lexa shakes her head, “i made it clear that i fell out of love with you when we broke up.”

“because you needed time for yourself,” costia presses on, ignoring her. “he was in my way, lexa. i needed to do that.” lexa stares at her, wondering what the hell happened to girl who used to be her whole world. “what do you say? ditch the kid with your ditzy blonde girlfriend and come with me.”

“she’s not ditzy,” lexa grits her teeth. “she’s a doctor for god’s sake. clarke is intelligent, and i’m not going anywhere.”

“do i have to convince this one that you lied, too? although, what would you lie about this time?” costia smirks. there’s another knock at the door, before a blonde head peeks in, and costia groans, “well, speak of the devil.”

clarke’s smile is wiped off entirely and replaced with a glare, directed at costia. she enters the room, approaching lexa’s side automatically. she greets, “hey, _sweetheart_.”

“clarke,” lexa looks at her, a little surprised, “what are you doing here?”

clarke replies, not taking her eyes away from costia, “you said you wanted me to pick you up so we can go grocery shopping, remember?” she turns to look at lexa, “are you finished with this meeting?”

lexa nods, getting up from the office chair, she replies, “yes, we’re done.”

at the same time, costia shakes her head, “no, we’re just getting started.”

clarke steps forward, in front of lexa, shielding her from costia’s gaze. “leave,” she glares.

it’s effective, because costia backs down, and without a word, she turns around and gets out of lexa’s office. she seems to linger by the glass window, staring at them with an unreadable expression before turning away and finally disappearing out of sight.

clarke steps closer to lexa, giving her a side hug, “was she bothering you? are you okay?”

“i’m better now that you’re here,” lexa lets out a breath, feeling the tension in her body dissipate at the sight of clarke’s smile. “let me pack up, we can go in a moment.”

.

“see, i told you this active fake-dating thing is helpful.”

“just drive the car, clarke.”

.

(“clarke,” bellamy sighs into the phone, “raven’s not doing good.”

“i heard, from octavia.” she clears her throat. “she hates me.”

“no, she doesn’t, she’s hurting, just like you are. but i guess i can’t really say that.”

clarke pauses, “say what?”

“that you’re hurting like the rest of us. it’s different for you.”

“raven and i were both in love with finn, how is it any different?”

“clarke, you lost your dad, too. raven just lost finn. you lost two men in your lives. that’s— that’s fucked up.”

“i’m fine,” is her casual reply.

“no, you’re not, clarke. shit, you lost a part of you, that’s not—”

“i’m _fine_ , bellamy. i’ll be okay.”

“i know, you’re strong.” he says, the pride evident in his voice. “you’ll come out of this, and we’ll be here in every step of the way; me, o, raven, your mom, hell, even murphy—”

“no, no, i don’t need—”

“yes, you do. clarke.”

“bellamy, did murphy set you up for this? is that what you’re doing? because i don’t need this right now.”

“ _yes, you do, clarke_ —”

“no, i don’t. i killed finn, bellamy. i am the reason he _died_ —”

“that drunk driver is the reason finn is dead, you drove as safely as you can. if you need forgiveness, i’ll give that to you.” bellamy adds quietly, “you’re forgiven.”

the line is silent and bellamy can hear her quiet breaths, and the occasional sniffle. clarke mutters, “i can’t look at any of you, i don’t deserve your pity. it’s suffocating, bellamy,” her voice cracks and wavers, and she takes a deep breath. “my mom indirectly killed my dad, and that _hurts_ , it hurts so much. and finn— i took him away, away from raven, from you, from our friends, from the world.” she sobs, “i can never take that back.”

“clarke,” he sighs, “we can get through this, you don’t have to do this alone.”

“i can’t be here anymore.”

“clarke, don’t do anything stupid—”

“i won’t, _god, bellamy_. i just— i just need to think.” she wipes her tears, a plan already forming in her head. “i need some air. maybe a nap,” she tries to chuckle, but it comes out more like a watery laugh. “thanks, bell.”

“will you call me later? when you wake up? just so i know you’re okay, and octavia and i won’t have to barge into your house.”

“yeah,” clarke lies, opening her closet and pulling an empty duffel bag. “i will.”)

.

they’re in line in the grocery store a few hours later, when clarke proposes the idea to her again. they spot octavia in line at another cashier, and clarke’s sort of relieved that she hasn’t seen them. she quietly clarifies what actively fake-dating will really entail, and lexa’s not very happy with the details.

she practically shrieks, “you want to pretend that we’re married and we have a kid? are you out of your mind?”

“no, i want to pretend we’re _engaged_ and have a son. please, lexa, please?” the blonde juts out her bottom lip adorably.

lexa gives her a glare, “that pout isn’t convincing me right now, clarke.”

“oh, but when jamie does it, it’s effective?”

“ _clarke_.”

“right, sorry. it’ll be fine lexa, it’s not like you actually have feelings for me like that, right?”

“i— of course not,” lexa replies quickly.

clarke tries to ignore the way that stings in her chest, and she nods. “see? we’ll be fine.”

the brunette crosses her arms over her chest, “what about jamie? i don’t want to lie to him, too.”

“it’s not lying if he already thinks we’re together. where else would octavia get the idea if it wasn’t from him?”

lexa doesn’t give a response, only staring ahead and keeping her mouth shut. she mulls it over, like she did before, and she comes to the same conclusion she did just the night before: she has nothing to lose, besides her dignity and self-control when it comes to clarke griffin, probably.

“please, lexa, please? i’m begging you, i’ll get on my knees, seriously—”

“no you will not, clarke, we are in public—”

“i will, i will do it.” clarke says daringly, “i’ll do anything to make you say yes.”

a brilliant idea sparks in clarke’s equally brilliant mind. she smirks as she slips off the ring on her finger, the one she bought with lexa in _forever 21_ a couple of weeks ago, before getting down on one knee, gathering the looks of the people around them.

“ _clarke_ ,” lexa looks horrified, “what are you _doing_?”

clarke announces, “lexa woods,” she takes lexa’s hand and holds it tightly, preventing the other woman from pulling it back. “will you marry me?”

a small crowd forms around them, among them is octavia, and lexa’s cheeks instantly flush. there are a few cheering and clapping, and she stammers, “ _oh my god, clarke_ —”

she holds up the ring and lexa widens her eyes when she recognises it, “clock’s ticking, lexa.”

the crowd around them chants, “ _say yes! say yes!_ ” and lexa gaping at clarke before she moves her head in the form of a nod, forcing a smile on her face.

“i’m going to kill you, clarke,” she says through her smile, she tries to ignore the way her heart feels like it’s going to beat out of her chest as clarke slips on the ring on her fourth finger.

clarke laughs, and then announces loud enough for everyone around them to hear, “i’m sorry, i couldn’t wait until tonight.” the crowd around cheers again, then clarke whispers, “i’m gonna kiss you now.”

“what—” the rest of lexa’s question is muffled by clarke’s lips pressing against hers, and she closes her eyes and tunes out the rest of the world.

the cashier behind them clears his throat with an apologetic smile, and they pull away from each other, breathless and suddenly shy, when he says, “that’ll be thirty fifty-nine, please.”

.

the air is thick with tension once they’re back in the car and clarke starts with, “look, lexa, i’m so sorry i sprung up on you like that and forced you—”

“i’m not— i’m okay with that, clarke, really. i’ll help you with your plan, and i’ll make sure jamie does, too.”

“then why are you sitting there with your angry face on?”

“this isn’t my angry face, this is my annoyed face.”

“see? you’re _annoyed_ , which is even worse because you get all passive-aggressive on me. answer the question.”

lexa sighs, she drums her fingers on the dashboard, not quite sure how to phrase _i think i’m falling in love with you_ in a way that won’t shock both of them. meanwhile, clarke prepares herself for the worst, but lexa quietly replies with, “you could’ve done it in a restaurant, clarke. we could’ve gotten free dessert.”

her mouth falls open, “ _that’s it?_ that’s why you’re annoyed? because i fake-proposed to you in the middle of the grocery store?”

“well, yes,” lexa’s cheeks flush pink. “if we’re gonna be pretend married, i might as well get free cake along with it.”

clarke bursts out with laughter, and lexa can’t help but do it, too, and they’re halfway to jamie’s school to pick him up when clarke glances at her from the driver’s seat. “we can, though, get free cake.”

“when?”

“tonight? we can go to that italian place before my midnight shift. i’m sure jamie would love free cake, too.”

“all cake to him is free.”

clarke hums, “that’s true. so, what do you say? shall i propose to you again tonight, miss woods?”

lexa sighs deeply, slowly accepting that this has become her life now. “deal.”


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> people around jamie think he’s oblivious a lot of the time, but really, he’s just very observant. he thinks he’ll make a great spy one day.  
> he’s four, not an idiot.
> 
> (or the one where clarke and lexa's little lie begins to grow into a big lie, and they refuse to talk about it. jamie's life is getting really weird, but also really awesome. bonus: auntie anya gives him a bowl of sugar for his after school snack and he tells her some stuff. she's not happy, he thinks.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY I DISAPPEARED. Writer's block, that's the size of the Great Wall of China decided to set up camp in my head, and it took months for it to clear away. Anyway, here's some fluff. 
> 
> All mistakes are mine. :)

****_hold on to me as we go / as we roll down this unfamiliar road / and although this wave is stringing us along / just know you're not alone / 'cause i'm gonna make this place your home — home,_ phillip phillips.

 

**_v._ **

lexa is stuck in a board meeting that ran too late, and clarke receives a text asking if, pretty please, could she pick up jamie from school?  of course clarke can’t say no, not when she receives another text that reads, “ _I’ll make it up to you when I get home, wifey,_ ” followed by the smirking emoji.

she’s still in bed, trying to catch up on sleep she lost from her twenty-eight hour shift that ended last night at three in the morning, and she groans, not because she’s tired and she doesn’t wanna get up.

she groans at the unexpected arousal that shoots down to her lower belly caused by that one simple sentence, before deciding that a cold shower is in order.

when she’s dressed and ready to go twenty minutes later, her screen lights up at another text she receives from lexa that reads, “ _and by that I totally meant cake. like, the edible kind_.”

clarke laughs out loud, typing quickly on her phone, “ _i_ _s it lexa flavoured? because that’s the only cake i want in my mouth right now_.”

in a board meeting somewhere across town, lexa reads that text and squeezes her legs together, trying not to think of clarke’s mouth.

.

it’s been three weeks since she last saw octavia in the grocery store when clarke fake-proposed to lexa, and she’s not entirely sure what to expect from her. jamie’s not waiting at their usual spot by the front doors, since clarke is fifteen minutes late, so she quickly makes her way to jamie’s classroom.

she catches sight of him colouring quietly at one of the tables when she walks in, and octavia greets her from her own desk, “hey, clarke.” a wide grin appears on her face, “man, i never thought i’d be saying your name like that in a long while.”

clarke smiles back at her, “i never thought i’d be hearing it after all these years, too.” she glances at the little boy who is still concentrating on his picture, and she calls out, “jamie,” to catch his attention.

he looks up slowly and beams, abandoning his masterpiece in favour of running towards her and hugging her legs tightly. “where’s mommy?” he asks.

“she’s stuck at work, jay. you’re lucky i was at home.”

“oh,” he nods his head once, “can we go to the park?”

“not today,” before his signature pout can make an appearance, clarke continues with a grin, “how about we go to the zoo instead?”

“yes!” jamie exclaims, jumping excitedly. “let me go get my stuff!” and with that, he runs off towards the back of the classroom, where his backpack and his jacket are.

clarke slips her hand into her back pocket as she watches him go, feeling the awkwardness settle between her and octavia, but the latter doesn’t seem to feel it.

“so, I have a question,” octavia chimes, and clarke turns to her and nods, wordlessly asking her to carry on. “why’d you two have a kid before you decided to get married? i mean, it’d make more sense if you guys were a straight couple..” she trails off, letting the question hang in the air. they both glance at the little boy across the room who’s currently struggling to put his jacket on.

“well,” clarke starts, “jamie was already born when i met lexa, like a month old.” _and by a month, i mean six_ , she thinks. “we fell in love and jamie grew up around me, so technically i’m his other mother.” octavia hums, processing this information, and clarke barrels on. “marriage wasn’t really in the card for us, you know? we’re just getting married because,” she pauses, afraid she’ll blurt out the truth instead. she quickly adds, “because of legal reasons.”

(it’s a rehearsed lie, one that lexa made her memorize a few nights ago. “because it’s all or nothing for me, clarke griffin, if we’re going to lie, we’re gonna do it well,” she had said with a playful glare as they cleaned up together in the kitchen, just after dinner. “tell me again, it wasn’t convincing.”)

“ah,” octavia exclaims, her face lighting up in understanding. “so you’ll be his legal other mom?”

“yes,” clarke nods evenly, “it’s kind of the reason why he calls me by my name sometimes, too.”

“i see.” there’s a lull before octavia murmurs, “i can’t believe this is your life now, i’m proud of you, clarke.”

she blinks and feels the guilt of lying gnawing at her, “proud of what, exactly?”

“everything!” octavia squeals, pulling her into a hug. “you got better after you know, your dad, and finn, and your mom— I just—”

clarke pulls back and there are tears leaking out of octavia’s eyes, “whoa, o—”

“let me finish, damn it. you’ve gotten better all by yourself and you got lexa and you two built a family, and it’s just so beautiful. like fuck— you’re a doctor now, too, clarke. i’m sorry we weren’t there for you when you needed us.”

“that was years ago, o, it’s not—”

octavia laughs, wiping her tears away, “i’m serious, like, definitely serious. i’m so damn happy for you.”

the blonde can’t help but smile, “we really have to sit down and catch up soon.”

“mama,” jamie cuts in, looking up at both of them. “why’d you make miss o cry?” asks the four year old staring up at them curiously, with his jacket on inside out.

.

clarke is uncharacteristically quiet as she drives to the zoo, and she keeps biting her bottom lip and looking like she’s gonna cry soon, so jamie decides to cheer her up by singing.

of course, jamie doesn’t sing just any other song, he sings the most beautiful song ever known to man.

“i love cheesecakes,” he sings, his tone is off-key and there’s no sense of rhyme anywhere. “and tomatoes, and i really love my mommy and my cla-arke,” there’s nothing consistent about the song at all, and he looks out the window, enjoying the scenery, his voice getting louder and louder with each line. “i don’t like spiders, but dinosaurs are cool, and sometimes, i pee in the shower even though mommy says it’s gross!”

he hears clarke chuckle, and he catches her looking through the rear-view mirror and he knows, _it’s working_.

jamie continues, closing eyes, “i really like school and christmas, and mama when she buys me ice cream.” he kicks his legs to the inconsistent beat in his head, “but most of all, i really love the swings in the pa-ark!”

there’s a stretch of silence, as though clarke had been waiting for him to sing some more, but all wonderful performances must come to an end at some point. then, clarke lets out the laugh she had been keeping in for the last few minutes. “that was really good, jamie.”

“did you like it, mama?”

“i loved it,” clarke replies as they pull in the zoo parking lot. it’s closing in a few hours, and more people are coming out of the gates rather than going in, but she thinks they won’t stay long anyway. “we’re here,” she announces and jamie excitedly tries to unbuckle himself from his car seat.

(he has figured it out a long time ago, since he was two, and his mothers are only comforted by the fact that child locks exist in their cars. otherwise jamie would probably be strapped in the backseat using duct tape, should the situation call for it.)

jamie walks a few steps ahead of her, and clarke forces every other thought besides him out of her mind. she keeps her hands in her pocket, one wrapped around her phone in case lexa tries to call or text, as she keeps her eyes on the little boy the entire time.

they stop in front of the lions, and it’s late enough in the day that the giant, thick glass is no longer crowded, and jamie’s the only one near it. he has both of his hands pressed up against the glass, and he’s staring curiously at the wild beast just a few feet before them. it’s lounging on the grass, yawning tiredly and flicking its tail back and forth.

“i want to be a lion,” jamie announces, and the lion turns to look at them. “he’s so _big,_ clarke.”

clarke hums, amused by the little boy’s awe, “what about me? what am i?”

“you’re a lion, too,” he answers, his brown eyes trained on the animal that’s slowly inching towards them. “you’re my mama lion.”

“and your mommy?”

“my mommy lion,” he responds, then he squeals when the beast begins to lick the glass. “he likes me!”

clarke snorts, crouching down next to jamie. “i think he wants to eat you.” she taps the glass just as the lion begins to paw at it. “he’s gonna eat you whole.”

“no, he won’t! he’s my friend. can we come back here tomorrow to show mommy?” he glances at clarke just as the lion decides that he’s bored, and retreats back to his spot on the grass. “clarke? did you hear me?”

the blonde looks at him fondly, before nodding. “loud and clear. i have work tomorrow though, so maybe just you and mommy.”

“but i want you to come,” jamie whines a little. he abandons his post against the glass, and steps closer to clarke, wrapping his short arms around her neck. “me and mommy miss you when you work.”

clarke lets out a breath through her nose, and she thinks she’ll never get used to the feeling of her chest swelling full of love and adoration from this sweet little boy and his mother. “well, i miss you more.” she presses a soft kiss to his temple, and jamie cuddles closer to her. “come on, we need to get going if you want to see the elephants before the zoo closes.”

.

lexa calls clarke just as they’re walking back to the car. jamie’s right next to her this time, holding her hand, while the other fiddles with her vibrating phone before pressing it against her ear.

“clarke, hi,” lexa’s voice is smooth like velvet, and it makes clarke’s knees a little weak. “i’m in my car now, i’m on my way home.”

immediately, clarke stills, and so does jamie. he sends her a curious look, a silent question of _why did we stop walking_. “you’re on the phone while you’re driving? lexa, that’s dangerous!”

“what? no— i’m stuck in traffic. the car’s not even moving. none of us are.” the brunette replies, and the frustration is clear in her voice.

jamie sticks his hand in the air, “is that mommy? let me say hi.”

“hang on, jay,” clarke murmurs, and she squeezes his hand that’s intertwined around hers. “jamie wants to talk to you.” she hands her phone to jamie, and they continue walking to the car, that’s sitting on its own in the vast zoo parking lot.

the little boy babbles on animatedly to his mother about his day, about school and the zoo and his new best friend, the lion, before he reaches up and gives the phone back to clarke.

“sounds like you two had a good day, better than mine anyway,” clarke hears a tired sigh from the other line.

she hums in response, as she opens the car door for jamie and watches him hop into his seat. “we had a lot of fun. jay and i missed you today.”

jamie manages to strap himself in, and he gives clarke a proud grin, just as lexa answers, “yeah? i missed you guys too, i wish i was with you. work wasn’t.. good.”

“you wanna talk about it when you get home? we still have that red wine from the other night.”

“i think this one’s going to need a full bottle,” lexa chuckles, just as clarke gets in the driver seat and pulls her seatbelt on. “i’ll get one before i come home.”

a small smirk appears on clarke’s face, “are you trying to get me drunk again, woods?”

“when am i not?” and just like that, her stressful day at work and her agitation at the non-moving traffic ahead of her disappears, all thanks to her two favourite people. “i’ll try to be home before dinner.”

“you better be, you owe me, _wifey_.”

clarke hangs up and lexa sits through the worst traffic in her whole life, with a smile on her face.

.

lexa gets home after dinner, with a bottle of wine in one hand and a box of éclairs in the other, and her son and her clarke sit with her as she eats her dinner, listening to more stories about their little zoo trip.

jamie has cream on his face, and a small mug of hot chocolate in front of him. “the elephant was really big, mommy. he was a baby when i was a baby, but he’s really big now.”

“as big as you?” lexa smiles at his excitement, as she eats up every last bite of the lasagna clarke made for dinner. she glances at the blonde, who’s watching them fondly, as she nurses a glass of wine in her hand.

“ _bigger_! bigger than our house!” he exclaims, waving his arms around. “we should go when clarke doesn’t have work, mommy. you can meet my lion friend, too.”

lexa hums as she nods, polishing off her plate. “what’s his name?”

jamie shrugs as he drinks the last of his hot chocolate, and his face is a mess when he slides off his seat and leans in to kiss lexa’s cheek. “i’ll ask, i’m gonna go watch tv.” he runs off, and soon the other half of the house is loud with his chosen movie for the night: _lilo and stitch_.

lexa wipes away the remnants of jamie’s messy kiss from her cheek as clarke takes her plate to the sink. “i can do that, clarke.”

a soft smile appears on her face, “i know, but i’m doing it. drink your wine and tell me about work.”

“titus is an ass,” lexa starts, as she pours herself more wine.

“when is he not? also, what kind of name is titus?”

“i ask myself that, everyday.” lexa brings the glass to her lips as clarke returns to her seat. “he’s just being an ass in general, more so than usual, i’ve noticed.” she lets out a sigh, “he makes me want to move.”

“move jobs?” clarke’s eyebrow quirks up, and she watches lexa nod.

“there’s an opening in polis university,” lexa gulps down her drink, not quite ready to look up and meet clarke’s eyes. “ontari has been telling me about it for weeks.”

“lexa, that’s in _polis_.”

when her green eyes finally lock with clarke’s blue, she actually smirks, “that’s why i’m still here, clarke, working for titus. you know i wouldn’t move away that far. besides, jamie’s all settled in school here, and we’re settled with you.”

_we’re settled with you_ , keeps on echoing in clarke’s head, and it soothes something in her chest. she smiles widely, “good, i’m not letting you go anywhere that easily.”

.

a little later on, they migrate towards the living room to join jamie and his movie, and he sits on the floor with his dinosaur blanket wrapped around his shoulders, as he stares up at the tv. he hears lexa and clarke speaking quietly behind him, from where they’re perched on the couch. jamie scoots backwards until his shoulders hits the couch and he wraps his arm around clarke’s dangling leg, and he lets out a sigh of contentment when he feels a hand massaging the top of his head gently.

stitch is wreaking havoc to his handmade miniature san francisco, as lilo watches on with a fascinated stare that’s mirrored on jamie’s face. he tunes out his mothers’ conversation entirely, right until he starts hearing his name on their lips.

jamie’s eyes are still focused on the tv, but he listens as clarke tells lexa about the boy they had at the emergency department a few days ago, who apparently reminded clarke of him.

“i actually thought it was jamie, just a grown up version,” he hears clarke murmur. their heads are close, with their legs pressed against each other, and they’re sharing very little space for two people who only refer to each other as roommates, but none of that matters. “his name was aden.”

lexa hums into her wine glass, a gentle laugh washing over her, “yes, but our jamie will be much cuter when he grows up.”

_our jamie_ , he hears, _he’s their jamie._

he doesn’t give away that he’s been listening, he stays in his spot on the floor, and soon the empty bottle of wine joins him, along with the two glasses. jamie’s not sure what the two women are doing behind him, but eventually he slowly turns and takes a peek, and he finds lexa resting her head on clarke’s lap, as the blonde twirls and plays with her brown hair.

lexa’s eyes are closed, and she whispers quietly when she replies to clarke as they talk about something that jamie’s not particularly interested in, and her green eyes only blink open for a moment when jamie slowly climbs on the couch.

clarke glances at the tv, and the credits are rolling, and lexa is nearly drifting off to sleep on her lap and it actually pains her to move and disturb the serenity on her face.

her gaze turns to jamie, who yawns, and she quietly asks, “want me to read you your story tonight?”

jamie nods slowly, and he watches as clarke leans down to whisper something into his mommy’s ear, and he keeps still as lexa sighs and gets up tiredly. she kisses his forehead and mumbles, “i love you, jay, be good for mama.”

that would’ve been all normal in jamie’s four year old books, up until lexa leans to kiss clarke’s forehead too, and she mumbles something that the little boy couldn’t catch, before trudging tiredly to her room. he watches curiously, as clarke looks down and bites her bottom lip to hide her smile.

“story,” he says, to remind her, and clarke looks at him like she has momentarily forgotten that he’s right there.

“right,” she mutters, “let’s go change to our pyjamas first.”

.

people around jamie think he’s oblivious a lot of the time, but really, he’s just very observant. he thinks he’ll make a great spy one day.

he’s four, not an idiot.

.

(the two lines taunt her as she stares down tearfully at it. it’s the third pregnancy test she’s taken that week, and it’s the third one that gives her the consistent result. it’s positive. she’s pregnant. it’s real.

lexa lets out a shaky breath and tosses the stick into the sink, and she feels like a cornered animal, foolish enough to stumble into a trap and fall like this.

she sends anya a quick text, not bothering to wipe her tears from her cheeks. _positive. again_.

she wants to deny it, to keep denying it, like she has done over the last few weeks. this cannot be happening. she’s young, only in her early twenties, she can’t fall behind in her carefully decided schedule to achieve her dreams.

this is only a hurdle, lexa decides a little while later, she’ll figure her way out of it. she grips the sink and looks at herself and pretends to ignore the feeling of hopelessness that crawls up in her chest and settles itself there.

_come over_ , says anya’s reply, _house is empty, i have ice cream_.

oddly enough, the thought of ice cream right now makes her stomach churn. the thought of her whole life falling apart makes her shoulders tremble, too, but lexa woods is nothing if she’s not good at pretending everything is alright, as the world burns down around her.

her stomach flutters, and she places her hand over it. “shhh,” she mumbles to herself, “we’ll be okay. we’ll get out of this.”)

.

lincoln is humming to himself, as he trims the hedges in their front garden. it’s a beautiful sunday morning, and octavia and raven are out for a little bit, allowing him to do some chores that have been waiting to be done since they moved in.

he hears shrieks of laughter from the driveway next door, and he turns his head to see clarke’s fianceé and their son, splashing around lexa’s car, in an attempt to wash it.

he smiles, and goes back to his work, and chuckles quietly, as jamie shrieks, “mommy, stop getting me wet!”

a low hum of an engine signalling the arrival of another car distracts him from his overgrown hedges, and he sees clarke’s blonde ponytail and her tired blue eyes step out of the car. she glances at him from their driveway, and lincoln offers a wave.

clarke smiles back at him, and the four year old runs over to her in greeting, before he hides behind her legs and whines, “help, mommy keeps pointing the water hose at me!”

“oh, i see how it is,” lexa scoffs playfully. she’s dressed in shorts and a faded _ark state university_ t-shirt that clarke thinks is definitely hers, and her hair is up in a messy bun. she looks so free and happy, and there’s a gigantic smile on her face as she aims the hose at clarke, “any last words, wifey?”

“no, mommy, _no!_ ” jamie squeals as he laughs, and he lets go of clarke’s legs to cover his face in a final attempt to save himself.

the slam of a car door distracts clarke, and she glances to their neighbour’s driveway just to see octavia, raven, and _bellamy_ , hopping out of the car. lexa begins spraying clarke’s leg, and in turn, jamie with the hose, and the little boy shrieks with surprise.

“ _mommy, no!”_ his hair is completely soaked now, and there’s water in his boots, and clarke’s legs are wet too, and she gasps when the cold water hits her knees and flows down to her shoes, and lexa’s mouth falls open like she wasn’t meant to get clarke wet.

“i didn’t even get to say my last words,” clarke quips, and the sound of her voice along with jamie’s loud pleas are enough to gather the attention of their neighbours.

lexa laughs, and tries to pull the hose away from clarke’s reach when the blonde tries to take it from her. “you’re too slow,” she smirks, and clarke has her fists in her shirt, and her smirk is wiped off from her face when clarke leans in and kisses her.

she lets out a noise of surprise, but she melts into the kiss, her lips moving slowly, tentatively, against clarke’s. the world around them suddenly seems blur out of existence, and lexa’s free hand seems to find itself on the back of clarke’s neck, while the blonde’s hands rest on lexa’s hips.

all she can focus on is soft lips, and clarke’s tongue darting out courageously to taste her mouth. lexa tilts her head, bumping her nose on clarke’s, and she sees stars behind her eyelids when clarke sucks on her bottom lip. there’s a quiet moan between them, and lexa’s not very sure if that was her—

“ew, mama,” jamie blurts out, peeking through his fingers, “mommy, what are you _doing_?”

lexa can only blink as they pull away from each other, and clarke quietly murmurs against her lips, “hi, wifey.” she releases her grip on lexa’s hips and turns to jamie with a wide grin, “i was saying hi to your mommy, your turn.”

jamie sticks out his tongue, “ew, no!” he exclaims as he runs towards the front door, his boots squelching with every step.

“he’s gonna mess up the floor,” clarke remarks, before trailing after the little boy. lexa drops the hose on the ground and turns to follow them, and she doesn’t notice her neighbours and clarke’s old friends watching them with amused stares.

.

she finds clarke blowing raspberries on jamie’s stomach on the couch, and the boy has his hands in her blonde hair, finally free from its ponytail. they’ve changed into dry clothes, and jamie’s wearing mismatched socks, and clarke’s wearing lexa’s sweatpants, stolen from her room.

“mama— can’t breathe!” jamie squeaks out as he howls with laughter, and clarke offers him a short moment of relief before she runs her fingers on his sides, and he squirms and tries to reach for lexa. “mommy, help!”

“no, no, no,” clarke shakes her head at lexa, “this is his punishment, he doesn’t want to wear a shirt.” jamie’s face is red, and he’s nearly in tears, so lexa sits next to clarke on the couch and nudges her, and the blonde complies with a dramatic sigh. “alright, _fine_ , you’re free to go, mister.”

jamie makes his daring escape, and he quickly hides out in his room, leaving the two adults in the living room.

lexa has changed into dry clothes, too, but she picks at clarke’s sweatpants and tells her, “these are mine.”

“you were wearing my shirt,” clarke quips back, as she turns to lexa. “i’m only returning the favour.”

lexa blinks at her, willing her mouth to ask the question that’s running through her head. “you kissed me,” she states, and she waits for clarke to offer her an explanation.

“i— octavia, raven and lincoln were watching. bellamy, too. did you see him? he’s _here_.”

“oh, right,” lexa mutters, as she looks down and begins to fiddle with her fingers, “i didn’t notice.”

clarke adds, “probably because you were too busy getting your smug face kissed,” she smirks.

“you didn’t warn me!” lexa reaches for a cushion to smack clarke’s side, as the blonde tilts her head back and laughs. “you better watch your back, griffin,” she warns playfully.

.

**_vi._ **

they’re moulding play-doh into random things while maya watches and miss o is on her lunch break, and there’s quiet chatter all around the table as they work. jamie has blue and green mixed together in a strange shape, and he’s not sure what he’s trying to make yet, but maybe it’ll turn out like an elephant, he hopes.

next to him, a little boy named atom is frowning at his fingers and the way play-doh is sticking under his nails. “this stuff is gross,” atom mumbles. he raises his hand to attract maya’s attention, and he yells out, “can i go wash my hands?”

“sure, buddy,” maya agrees with a beam, and she leads him to the bathroom, and for a few minutes they’re left alone with practically no adult supervision.

there’s a lull between all of their conversations, until jasper decides to stand in his chair and waves his hands around to gather the attention of his friends. “guys,” he clears his throat, he announces, “my mom’s having a baby!”

a series of ‘ _wow!_ ’ and ‘ _that’s so awesome!_ ’ breaks out all around the room, before sterling pipes up loudly, “hey, my mommy’s having a baby, too!”

jasper practically runs over to sterling to give him a high-five, and jamie watches as they begin talking over each other about their respective pregnant moms.

“my mom’s having a girl, i’m gonna have a baby sister—”

“—well, i’ll be getting a baby brother! my mom’s belly is like, _this big_ —”

“that’s really cool,” jamie mutters in awe, images of a little baby and his mommy and his mama swim in his mind. “i wish my mommy was having a baby.”

sterling turns to him, and he sneers, “your mommy can’t have a baby.”

“what? why not?”

“‘cause you don’t have a daddy,” sterling replies, rolling his eyes.

jamie furrows his eyebrows, as he explains, “i have a clarke, she’s my mama.”

jasper shakes his head, “everyone knows only mommies _and daddies_ can have babies.”

jamie frowns, “they— they had me,” he replies nervously.

“you’re probably adopted,” jasper lets out a laugh, and sterling laughs along with him, albeit a little uncertainly.

“what’s adopted?”

“you dummy,” jasper rolls his eyes, “it means your mom bought you on _e-bay_.”

.

the conversation stays with him throughout the whole day, until lexa picks him up, and until they get home. she’s parking the car into the driveway when she notices that her son is too quiet. it’s not like his regular silence where he occasionally and curiously asks about random things throughout the drive home, like, “mommy, why are leaves green?” or, “mommy, what are we having for dinner?” or even, “mommy, is mama home? when is she coming home?”

no, no, jamie hasn’t said a word until they’ve left his school, and it isn’t until they meet clarke who’s reading at the island counter in the kitchen that the little boy looks up at both of them with his big, sad brown eyes. “mommy,” he mumbles, “am i adopted?”

clarke chokes on her coffee, quickly wiping spilled coffee off of her kindle screen, while lexa’s jaw falls open.

“ _no_ , no, you are not.” lexa crouches down to get on eye-level with her son, “who gave you that idea?” it finally clicks why he has been so quiet since they got home, this question must have been plaguing his mind since he was in school.

jamie wonders, “i’m not adopted?”

“oh, god,” clarke coughs, kneeling beside lexa. “jay, no, you’re not. who said that you were?”

jamie looks down on the floor, scuffing his sneakers, “jasper,” is his quiet answer. “and sterling, too.”

lexa never liked those two particular boys. jamie mentions them sometimes when there are not-so-good things happening in the playground. she narrows her eyes, “and how did this conversation go?”

“jasper and sterling’s mommies are having babies. and then they said that i can’t have a baby brother or a baby sister because _you_ can’t have a baby with mama.” he shrugs, offering a confused expression, “because he said only mommies and daddies can have babies.”

clarke nods her head once slowly, mouth half open as she still tries to process it in her head. lexa is faring no better, “jay, sweetheart,” she starts to say, but really she has no idea how to continue on with that.

“they’re wrong, right?” jamie’s features flicker with hope, brown eyes shining at clarke and lexa that they almost want to nod and absolutely agree with their son. “because you had me.”

clarke tries to clear her throat but it comes out as a strangled noise, “well, jay, technically—”

“and if you had me,” he says, and lexa can almost see his train of thought in his clever little head, “that means you guys can have a baby, too. i can have a baby brother or a baby sister.” he grins, stepping closer to lexa and wrapping his arm around her neck, “right, mommy?”

“we can,” clarke replies and she catches the glare lexa directs at her, “but we can also adopt. there’s nothing wrong with adopting.”

jamie nods, a quiet “oh,” of understanding falling out of his mouth. “if you adopt tonight, will the mailman deliver it tomorrow morning?”

“ _what?_ ”

“what?” he blurts out, a little wide eyed.

“why would the mailman deliver your baby brother or sister?” lexa inquires, subtly sharing an amused look with clarke.

“because you get it from _e-bay_ ,” is jamie’s reply, along with a shrug of his shoulders.

clarke laughs so hard that she ends up hitting her head on a stool.

.

jamie’s fast asleep in his bed, and clarke’s finishing her tea when lexa corners her in the kitchen and says, “jamie is now under the impression that we’re ordering him a sibling on _e-bay_.”

clarke snorts into her mug, “shipping is going to be very expensive, huh?”

“clarke,” lexa rolls her eyes as she fights her smile. “i don’t want him to have his hopes up.”

“he won’t,” the blonde rinses her mug in the sink before turning to lexa, “we’ll just remind him the pros of being an only child.” she doesn’t look convinced, and it’s clarke’s turn to roll her eyes. “stop worrying, we’ll just tell him that they’re out of stock.”

“ _you’re_ telling him that,” lexa says as clarke steps closer towards her.

she hums and takes lexa by her wrist, “come on, i need a cuddle buddy. we’re watching netflix.”

lexa wears a soft smile on her face as she lets clarke lead her to her bedroom.

.

wells jaha isn’t really her doctor, or her physiotherapist, but he somehow ends up in front raven, advising her on painkillers and other methods of relief for her lower back and her leg, and she finds him much more helpful than her regular physician at tondc hospital.

“is there anyway i could have as my physician from now on? mine’s a useless old hag,” raven plasters a shit-eating grin and wells lets out a barely suppressed laugh.

he says, “dr. green is qualified, ms. reyes. she’s doing her best, but tell you what,” he flashes her a friendly smile, and his eyes are warm and lovely and makes her feel at ease in the uncomfortably sterile examination room. “i’ll see what i can do.” he looks down at his clipboard, “who did you have back at ark general?”

“dr. abby griffin,” raven replies, as she adjusts her brace.

“really? we have our own dr. griffin here.”

raven looks up, and for a moment, she’s sure of who exactly he’s talking about. “clarke griffin? blonde hair, blue eyes?”

“yeah,” wells exclaims, “you know her?”

“she’s an old friend,” raven shrugs nonchalantly, “her mom was my old physician.”

wells nods, but a confused expression settles on his features. “she’s never mentioned that her mom was a doctor.” he helps raven off the examining table and watches her fiddle with the straps of her brace.

raven queries, “are you two close?”

“i’d like to think so,” is wells’ response. “we’ve been working together almost everyday for years.” another bright grin appears on his face, “well, ms. reyes, looks like you’re good to go. i’ll see what i can do with your transfer into my care, how about that?”

“thanks, doc,” raven gives him a playful salute, and she beams when he returns it.

.

she’s lost. that’s it. she accepts it. she’s gonna have to set up camp in the grossly white floor of the hospital halls, she’s gonna have to live off vending machine treats and watered down coffee from the cafeteria. this is her life now.

raven curses to herself as she rounds the corner and finds herself in a familiar hallway. she swears she was just here two minutes ago, and she grumbles obscenities to herself as a nurse wheels a patient past her. she looks to her left, to where the _lying_ sign that says ‘exit’ points to the corridor she just came from, and decides that this place is a fucking maze.

she’s about to approach a nurse by the desk, when she sees a familiar flash of blonde hair in the corner of her eye.

it’s clarke, with a white coat over her clothes, and her hair pulled into an intricate fishtail braid. she’s speaking to wells, and raven tries to sneak closer, and pretends to examine the contents of a half-empty vending machine in front of her.

(unbeknown to her, clarke has been trailing her for the last few minutes, amusedly watching her walk around the hospital halls after she figured out that raven was definitely lost.)

“so, i was just thinking,” wells clears his throat, as he changes the topic altogether. “i wanted to ask you out for dinner, on friday, since we’re both off work that day.”

clarke blinks, suddenly not sure if she’s following the conversation. she asks, slowly, “like.. a date?”

“yeah,” wells nods, flashing his boyish smile, “definitely like a date.”

“oh, wells,” clarke murmurs, and raven watches as the blonde slowly shakes her head. “i’m sorry, but i’m already seeing someone else.”

wells’ eyebrows disappears into his hairline, he clearly didn’t expect that to be her answer. “really? is this a new thing?”

clarke is very aware of raven nearby, who’s doing a bad job of pretending she’s not at all eavesdropping. she’s still examining the vending machine like it holds the answers of the universe, and clarke takes a quick glance at her before she responds. “it’s um,” she gives a pause, “an old thing.” she adds, “with lexa, we’re engaged.”

wells blinks, “lexa.. your roommate?”

raven’s head snaps up at the word, and she’s definitely not pretending to be invisible anymore, and clarke sees it in the corner of her eyes. the blonde internally groans.

“yes,” she laughs nervously, it’s forced and awkward, and she hopes neither wells nor raven noticed. “it’s been complicated, but we’re telling people about it now.”

“oh,” wells nods understandingly, “that’s— that’s really good actually. you two are cute, especially with the little guy.” he looks down, before he meets clarke’s eyes, “sorry if i overstepped some boundaries.”

“oh, don’t be, it’s totally okay.”

“so.. friends?” wells is good, wells is understanding and he’s not offended about being rebuffed. he smiles and it puts clarke at ease.

she nods enthusiastically, “definitely.”

.

when clarke turns around and finds raven standing there, she pretends to be surprised, and then, “i’m kidding, by the way, i’ve been following you for the last ten minutes.” raven narrows her eyes, and then clarke offers her a careful grin, “you’re lost, aren’t you?”

the brunette huffs, before she nods. “where is the damn exit?”

clarke chuckles, “come on, i’ll walk you out.”

they walk in relative silence for a little bit, until they reach a corridor that raven remembers walking through when she arrived, but not when she tried to leave. she tries to take note of her surroundings so she won’t get lost during her next visit, but the way clarke is chewing on her bottom lip nervously is a little distracting.

“so,” raven starts, “lexa’s your _roommate_ , huh?”

“she was at first,” clarke clarifies, “she’s my fianceé now.”

raven hums, then she asks, “does your mom know?” clarke doesn’t offer a verbal reply, just a short shake of her head. “you’re getting married and abby has no idea?” the blonde turns her head to look at her, and raven continues, with only a hint of bitterness in her voice, “i suppose it doesn’t matter, you did have a kid and she still has no idea, none of us did.”

clarke stops in her tracks, and she sighs. “raven…”

“was it that easy, clarke? to drop all of us and start over?”

clarke looks down, and taking in her bitterness with a gulp. she mutters, “grief changes things, it changed me.”

“we were all grieving, clarke. we all needed each other, then. you don’t get to be special and run away. _it wasn’t fair_.”

“no, no, it wasn’t,” clarke bites her cheek, “it was suffocating, raven. i don’t know how else to explain it.”

they stand in front of each other for a while, drinking in each other’s form, both wondering where to go from there, when raven gives in and closes the gap between them with a hug.

“you’re not allowed to bail out on us anymore,” she murmurs into clarke’s hair, and she sighs when clarke wraps her arms around her. “i’ll hunt you down.”

clarke lets out a muffled laugh, “i’ll hold you to that. are we… we’re okay?”

“we are,” raven agrees quietly as she pulls back. “but you still need to talk to bellamy. he misses you. and your mom, too.”

“does she know that you guys know where i am?”

“nope, bellamy wouldn’t let me.”

“that’s,” clarke takes a deep breath as she nods, “that’s good. i’ll talk to her myself, bellamy, too.” she feels raven squeeze her arm.

“i see the light, i think i can find my way out from here.” raven nods at the bright, glass automatic doors of the hospital. “good talk,” she adds.

clarke stifles a laugh, “go, be free, you bird.” her chest feels infinitely lighter, and she’s glad she’s slowly getting her friends back. clarke watches delightedly as raven holds out both of her arms wide, as she walks out of her sight.

.

jamie is finished school in less than five minutes, and lexa’s early, and she’s standing underneath the oak tree by the front doors, scrolling through her emails. she has no classes for the rest of the day, but she internally groans at the amount of papers she has to grade at home.

her eyes flicker every now and then at the doors, even though the bell hasn’t even rung yet. eventually, she gets bored with her never ending stream of incoming emails, and she slips her phone back in her pocket, when she notices a man staring at her from across the school yard.

he’s tall and well-built, with dark brown hair and scrutinising dark eyes, and he seems so familiar but lexa can’t place where she has seen him before.

she shifts uncomfortably, though she tries not to show it, when he continues to stare, and he doesn’t dare look away when she turns in his direction.

the bell ring, and children file out of the building, and into their respective parents’ arms.

jamie walks out, clutching the straps of his backpack, as he chats with another boy. his whole face lights up when he spots lexa, and he waves to his friend before sprinting across the yard and towards his mommy.

“mommy,” jamie grins brightly, as lexa wraps her arms around him. “we made hand-paintings today!”

“that’s so good,” lexa chuckles at his excitement, before she kisses both of his cheeks. “ready to go home?” she asks as she stands up and takes his hand, and out of the corner of her eyes, the man that has been watching her begins to make his way across the yard and towards them.

“yeah!” jamie replies, obliviously. “is mama home?”

“she has work, sweetheart—”

“excuse me,” the man cuts in with an apologetic smile. “are you, by any chance, clarke’s wife?” lexa’s gaze burns into him, and bellamy thinks that he may have gotten the wrong woman, but he’s sure that this boy is clarke’s son.

jamie looks up at the man and blinks up at him, wondering who he is, and then his confusion grows when lexa reluctantly corrects him, “.. _fianceé_ ,” she narrows her green eyes. “and you are?”

“bellamy blake,” he replies, holding his hand out. “you’re.. lexie?”

“lex _a_ ,” she clarifies, shaking his hand. “you’re octavia’s brother,” she realizes, and then she adds, “clarke’s friend.”

bellamy hums in response, then he looks down at jamie with a bright smile, “you must be clarke’s son, i can see the resemblance.” he gestures vaguely at jamie’s hair, just a shade darker than clarke’s. he can see a lot of clarke in him, at first glance.

“he’s mine, actually,” lexa clears her throat. then, she adds, lowering her voice, “he’s not really clarke’s.” _but he is_ , lexa wants to say. jamie has clarke’s laugh; the throaty noise that evolves into a pile of squeaks and breathlessness. his eyes may be brown and may be as sharp as lexa’s, but they light up just like clarke’s when he's talking about dinosaurs or cereal or even school. they have the identical look of disgust whenever there are mushrooms on their plate, and they make the same disgruntled noise whenever there's no more juice in the fridge because lexa drank the last of it.

jamie may not have her eyes that are the colour of the sky, or her lips or her hair or her smile, but he's every bit of clarke just as he is every bit of lexa.

bellamy is quick to understand, and he accepts it with a slight nod, “right, of course. i just wanted to come over and introduce myself, since technically, i’m your godfather.” he beams down at jamie, who is still wearing the confused expression on his face.

“you’re my what?” the boy asks, tilting his head slightly.

he crouches down to get on eye-level with jamie, and lexa regards bellamy with a dubious expression. “well, not officially, but clarke always said that i would be the godfather to her firstborn. it’s like, i’m your uncle from now on.” he tries his best to explain, and he’s a little glad that jamie gets the gist of it.

“that’s awesome,” he muses, “i’ve never had an uncle before.”

“well, you do now.”

“does clarke know about this?” lexa wonders out loud, and bellamy stands back up and chuckles.

he shakes his head, “not yet, but we’ve always said it when we were younger. i hope it hasn’t changed. do you mind letting her know that i want to talk to her?”

“i’ll pass it on,” lexa nods, and she watches as bellamy ruffles jamie’s hair.

“well, i‘ll let you guys go. have a good rest of your day.” he flashes them another bright beam, and lexa’s stomach drops as she realizes their little ruse just won’t stop growing.

.

when clarke gets home, late at night, she finds lexa’s bedside lamp is on, and the woman herself  in bed, with her laptop perched on her lap, and her glasses reflecting the screen.

“lexa, it’s nearly one,” clarke says from the doorway, running her hand through her hair. she quickly changed into sleep shorts and a tank top, and she has socks on her feet that she’s sure are lexa’s.

lexa doesn’t even look up from her laptop screen when she replies dryly, “i am capable of telling the time, thank you.”

with a roll of her eyes, the blonde walks into lexa’s room, settling herself next to lexa and burying her face into the soft pillows. clarke inhales lexa’s scent, sweet and intoxicating, as she lays her arm over lexa’s stomach. “time for sleep,” she mumbles. lexa only pauses and casts her new distraction a short glance, before she resumes typing on the keyboard. “what are you doing anyway?”

“my students are freaking out about their project, so i’m making a short powerpoint presentation with main headlines they should focus on.”

“i didn’t get any of that,” clarke mutters, earning a quiet chuckle from the brunette. she lifts her head from the pillow, blue eyes narrowing at lexa’s face. “big words. it’s late.”

the smile is still on lexa’s lips when she asks, “how was work?”

clarke lays her head back down on the pillows, sighing. “work was work, nothing new.” she withdraws her arm from lexa’s stomach, shifting on the bed to lie on her back and look up at the ceiling. she says quietly, “wells asked me out.” the sound of fingertips on the laptop keyboard suddenly halts, and lexa’s frozen. “i said no,” she adds.

slowly, she turns her head to look at clarke. “why?”

“why? why what?”

“why,” lexa pauses, “did you say no?”

“because,” clarke replies, sitting up on the bed. “i don’t like him like that.” she turns to lexa and meets her gaze, and suddenly she wants to blurt out _but i like you like that_ but she finds it a little bit hard to concentrate when lexa’s eyes flick between hers and her lips.

lexa seems to catch herself and she gulps, her head jerking to a nod. “right,” she says, turning her attention back to her laptop.

it seems to be the end of _that_ conversation because clarke clears her throat, changing the topic to one they’re both very familiar with. “how was jamie today?”

it works, and lexa responds, “he kept asking where you were during dinner time, and bath time, and story time.”

the blonde beams proudly, “well, i _am_ his favourite.”

lexa rolls her eyes with a fond smile, “only because you give him ice cream all the time.”

“not all the time,” clarke scoffs. “only when i need to bribe him.”

.

it isn’t until fifteen minutes later, when clarke is on the edge of drifting to sleep that she hears lexa shutting her laptop and placing it on the nightstand, followed by the quiet rustling of the sheets as she settles next to clarke.

it doesn’t cross either of their minds that clarke isn’t even sleeping on her own bed.

.

“bellamy wants to talk to you soon,” lexa whispers in the dark, hoping the blonde is still awake.

“how do you know?” she hears clarke whisper hoarsely from the other side of the bed, no doubt half-asleep.

“he was at jamie’s school. he introduced himself as jamie’s godfather.”

“that’s..” clarke’s voice trails off for a moment. “he remembered.” lexa hums, a noise begging for clarification and clarke gladly offers it. “i promised him before that he’d be the godfather to all of my children, since he’s terrified of having his own.”

“jamie thought it was cool that he has an uncle bellamy now.”

clarke laughs, the noise muffled by the pillow. “i’m sure he is, his little family is growing.”

lexa waits a while before she murmurs, “it is.”

.

the next morning, jamie wakes up earlier than his mommy, which isn’t too unusual. sometimes, lexa doesn’t have morning lectures so she’s free to start her day with a few more minutes of sleep before getting her son ready for school. what jamie does find unusual, is clarke’s empty bed.

_is she still in work?_ he wonders. _when is she coming home?_ the bed made and left as it was the previous day, and it takes the child a few minutes before he quietly goes to lexa’s room to ask her where his mama is.

the door creaks open and jamie immediately sees blonde hair peeking out under the sheets. he blinks, brown eyes trying to adjust to the dim room as he quietly pads over to the side of the bed, careful not to make a lot of noise.

lexa’s voice echoes in his mind as he gently pulls back the blankets, “if you see clarke asleep, you have to leave her alone, okay?” his mom had once said. “she has really long hours at work, that’s why she misses dinner with us sometimes.”

“clarke,” jamie whispers, “mama, wake up.” he poises a finger to poke her cheek, but something else stirs underneath the sheets, and it definitely isn’t the blonde. jamie freezes where he stands as he watches his mother sit up from the bed, stretching her arms and letting out a yawn. “..mommy?”

lexa freezes too, she turns her head to see the confused expression on jamie’s face. “jay,” she murmurs, “what are you doing there?”

the child blinks, retracting his hand and letting his arm fall to his side. “i wanted to see clarke.” he glances at the blonde in lexa’s bed, and lexa can see the question in his eyes, but instead he says, “time for school, mommy.”

“right,” she nods. “come on, let’s go get breakfast,” lexa whispers as she moves off the bed, careful not to wake clarke. she quietly walks out of the room without looking back, and jamie trails behind her, but not before he watches clarke murmur in her sleep and turn to where lexa had been sleeping.

he wonders maybe clarke had a bad dream last night and his mom had been there to make her feel better by falling asleep next to the blonde. in between lexa serving him breakfast and getting dressed for school, jamie decides to ask his mommy for an explanation.

“did you and clarke have a sleepover?” lexa looks up at him from her breakfast, and she nods slowly. jamie questions further, with a slight pout, “why wasn’t i invited?”

lexa’s face lights up with a bright smile, “you were already in bed. i’m sorry, we’ll invite you next time, promise.”

“good,” jamie nods, his pout disappearing instantly.

.

things get even weirder for jamie as the day goes on. clarke’s in work by the time he finishes school, and his mom isn’t even there to pick him up. instead, he finds auntie anya by their usual waiting spot under the oak tree.

“where’s my mom?” jamie asks, looking up at anya as she takes his bag from him. “where’s clarke?”

“what,” anya chuckles, “are you not happy to see your favourite aunt?” she ruffles his hair, and jamie ducks his head to avoid it. “your mom’s stuck in work, so is clarke, which means we’re gonna hang out today.”

“at your house?”

“nope,” anya shakes her head as she opens the backseat door. “ _your_ house. mine isn’t child-proof-safe, or whatever your mom says.”

the ride home is fun, because auntie anya sings along to a song on the radio. it’s loud and off-key and makes jamie wince, but he laughs excitedly when anya plays her imaginary guitar and sings the guitar riffs. she bops her head when they’re at a stoplight, and he giggles as she squirms in her seat, dancing and making gestures at the driver in the next lane.

jamie _loves_ auntie anya, and he’s pretty sure he loves her even more when she gives him a huge bowl of cereal and she asks, “want a scoop of ice cream on top? and chocolate syrup? and _sprinkles?_ i bet your mom has never given you this before.”

he nods enthusiastically and watches in awe as anya adds a scoop of ice cream in his cheerios, followed by a generous amount of chocolate syrup and a handful sprinkles.

anya watches him eat it, knowing he’s gonna be in a sugar rush by the time lexa comes home. she smirks, “and this is why i am your favourite aunt, not clarke.” she moves to clean up the mess on the counter; the pieces of cheerios that managed to escape the box and jamie’s bowl, evidence of the chocolate syrup that didn’t make it to the boy’s face, the incredible amount of colourful sprinkles that anya had spilled. she’s already giving lexa’s son an energy boost, she doesn’t want to give lexa an aneurysm too, by leaving a mess in the kitchen.

she doesn’t notice the way jamie stills in his seat, slowly looking up from his bowl. a cheerio stuck on his cheek falls and quietly lands on the floor. “clarke’s not my aunt.”

“you know what i mean, kid,” anya distractedly says, a glass in hand and a damp cloth in another. she’s wiping down the counter as she adds, “we’re technically your aunts. i’m just your favourite one.”

“clarke’s my mama,” the little boy corrects. and then he watches anya freeze, before dropping the glass on the floor, breaking it and sending pieces of it in various directions.

anya’s wide eyed and staring right at him, “clarke’s your _what?_ ”

“..my mama?” he repeats timidly, uncertain. jamie may love auntie anya, but she also scares him sometimes.

“your mom and clarke are…?” she’s still frozen, with broken glass pieces by her feet. he’s not really sure what she’s asking, but the child nods slowly, and anya’s mouth falls open. “oh my god, _i knew it_.”

“knew what?”

anya doesn’t answer, and he’s not sure it’s because she has decided to ignore the question or because she didn’t hear, and soon she’s distracted with cleaning up the broken glass on the floor. either way, he’s a little glad that that conversation is over.

.

much later though, he approaches auntie anya and asks, “what does ‘fianceé’ mean?”

anya looks at him with narrowed eyes, and she avoids answering his question with, “why are you asking?”

jamie tries to shrug nonchalantly, “i heard that word, in school, and i don’t know what it means.”

“why didn’t you ask your teacher, kiddo?”

“because.. because i forgot?” he tugs on her sleeve with a frown. he implored, “i need to know now.”

anya gives in, only with a slight roll of her eyes, and she informs him, “it’s what you call the person you’re going to marry.”

his brown eyes widen excitedly, “really?” he breathes out. “that’s _awesome_.”

the narrowed expression returns on anya’s features, “and why is that?”

“mommy called mama that,” he simply says. “they’re going to get married?” he squeaks out.

it’s anya’s turn to widen her eyes, before finally gritting her teeth and muttering to herself, “your mother has a lot of explaining to do.”

.

anya stays until after dinner time, and she allows jamie to stay up until _his moms_ — his words, not hers— get home. he’s yawning every few minutes, and he’s cuddled up to anya, clad in his pyjamas, trying to fight his exhaustion, when he hears the front door open.

“about time,” anya mumbles against his hair, before she lifts jamie up and goes to the hallway to meet lexa.

his eyes are drooping, and he blinks them slowly as his mom and clarke walk in the front door. their cheeks are flushed from the cold, and clarke shivers just as anya carefully hands jamie to lexa.

“you're late, i had plans tonight, alexandria,” anya tells her, rolling her eyes. “plans i had to _cancel_.”

jamie hears lexa murmur, “sorry,” before he feels a soft kiss on his forehead. “i’ll make it up to you,” she adds. “my car wouldn't start, we had to have it towed to the mechanic. clarke picked me up.” she explains, and anya gives her a look that says she isn't convinced.

“and here i thought you two decided to dump your kid on me so you could have a quickie at a motel.”

clarke exclaims, her voice a little high, “wait, what?”

“we still have _a lot_ to talk about, but your secret’s out. the little jim-bug here told me.” anya smirks, before disappearing shortly into the living room to grab her jacket. she returns and enjoys the wide-eyed expressions on their faces. “i’m happy for you, but if you make each other cry, i’ll punch both of you.”

and with that, anya saunters out of the front door, but not before pinching jamie’s cheek and throwing them a slight wave goodbye.

clarke shares a bewildered look with lexa, just as jamie mumbles against her shoulder, “mommy, you’re home so late.”

.

 


	4. four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clarke glances back at the hallway and states, “you two seem close.” she inspects her nails, trying to sound unaffected, but it doesn’t seem to be working as lexa looks at her with an amused expression.  
> “don’t be ridiculous. she’s only a friend, clarke.”  
> clarke huffs, rolling her eyes dramatically. “i’m not jealous. who said i was jealous?”  
> “i said _ridiculous ___,” lexa smirks, tilting her head, “not jealous.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i vanished, but now i have returned. i cranked out this chapter in a terrifyingly short amount of time, and i am slightly ashamed that it took me five months to sit down and write again. however, the shame is gone because WE'RE GETTING TO THE GOOD STUFF KIDS.

_let this be our little secret / no one needs to know we're feeling / higher and higher and higher / but i feel alive and i feel it in me / up and up i keep on climbing / higher and higher and higher — little secrets_ , passion pit.

 

 

**_vii._ **

jamie is only four, well, nearly _five_ , but he’s pretty sure he has enough life experience to be certain of this one thing.

“the playground’s gonna sink,” he states as he leans his forehead against the cool window, while huddled amongst his classmates in their classroom. it’s been raining all day, the sky hasn’t stopped rumbling since lunchtime, and the sun is nowhere to be seen. there’s an enormous puddle just by the slide, and jamie’s pretty sure that if you jump in it, you’ll end up swimming your way out.

maybe they’ll end up having swimming lessons during playtime, and they can find out if they have fish and sharks and dolphins in their new puddles, that may as well be lakes.

a few of his friends agree with a solemn nod, and jamie mumbles, “our mommies have to come in a boat now,” before punctuating it with a deep sigh.

now that he’s thinking about it, maybe it’ll be awesome if his mommy came to pick him up using a boat. she’d paddle in, plop him in his car seat, which will be strapped onto this magical boat, and they’ll sail home, riding the waves and following the winds.

maybe this boat can be blue, and their sails will have a t-rex on it.

“okay, guys,” octavia calls out from the front of the room, and all of the children’s heads turn to her. “your parents are going to come get you soon, the principal is ending this school day early because of the storm.”

“there’s a storm?” one of the kids asks out loud, and her answer comes in the form of a bright flash of lightning, followed by a loud boom of thunder.

there’s suddenly screaming and crying, and octavia has eighteen four-year olds around her legs.

.

clarke comes half an hour later, with a broken umbrella and cold toes. she eyes the giant blanket fort in the middle of the classroom with great amusement, and when she clears her throat, octavia’s head pops out of it.

“clarke!” she grins, before disappearing back into the fort. “jamie, your mom’s here.” clarke hears, and her heart stutters a little at being referred to as jamie’s mom.

jamie shuffles out of the blanket fort carefully, he’s mindful of the delicate architecture that they’ve worked hard on, and he says goodbye to his friends before he runs to his cubby hole and grabs his things. he watches octavia’s head pop out of the fort again, to offer them a wave goodbye.

as clarke is helping him into his raincoat, jamie asks with a slight tilt of his head, “why are you here?”

“your mom’s still at work, and she doesn’t have a car, so i thought i’d pick both of you up.” she struggles a bit with the zipper, but jamie stays still and acknowledges her reply with a gentle grin.

“i learned a new word today,” he announces proudly, as he watches clarke triumphantly zip up his raincoat. “it’s ‘favour’.”

“oh yeah?” clarke matches his proud grin with one of her own, pulling the hood over his head, “and what does that mean?”

jamie sways on his feet a little as he tries to remember. “it’s when you do a nice thing for somebody.” he adds, “like when you do stuff for me and mommy.”

“well, yes,” clarke nods as she moves to stand. she takes his small hand into hers and begins to lead him towards the front door. “but favour also means you’re expecting something in return, at some point.”

“oh,” jamie mulls it over, “so, when you do stuff for me and mommy, it’s not really a favour, is it?”

and he’s only four, well, nearly _five_ , but clarke’s beginning to realize that he sounds much more older than that. “what do you mean?”

jamie elaborates nonchalantly, “like when you pick us up from work and bring us cake, those aren’t favours. you do that because you love us.” he says it so casually, like he’s stating a fact that everyone already knows, like he’s not causing clarke’s world to shift in its orbit.

clarke’s reply gets stuck in her throat, and she’s somewhat relieved when the topic of favours and _loving_ are forgotten and replaced with the impending doom brought on by the storm.

“mama, clarke,” jamie tugs on her hand, “will you carry me to our boat? i don’t want to drown in the lake-puddles.”

.

the storm brings in slow traffic and road diversions because of flash flooding, so it takes clarke nearly an hour to drive to the university of tondc, when it should have only taken her twenty minutes. jamie has fallen asleep in seat, with his head leaning against the window. her jacket is draped over his legs, because he complained about being cold, and clarke didn’t even think twice when she shook off the jacket she was wearing.

she’s infinitely thankful for the underground parking in lexa’s building, and she’s glad that they can avoid the rain and the lake-puddles. she takes jamie out of the car, careful not to jostle him too much to keep him asleep.

lexa’s office is in the third floor, and by the time clarke has wandered down the hallway and found it, jamie is awake and bright-eyed once again.

lexa is leaning against her desk, with a gentle smile on her face, that’s directed at a dark haired woman in front of her. the woman is just an inch shorter than lexa, wearing a hip hugging dress with a very interesting dip at the front. they’re unaware of their new guests at first, and the woman leans in towards lexa and places her hand on her arm.

jamie, who’s also unaware most of the time, interrupts them with an excited shriek. “mommy!” clarke raises her eyebrows at the sight, as she sets him down on the floor. the spell breaks and the woman steps back, with a barely concealed scowl appearing on her face. clarke’s not sure who this woman is, but she’s already decided that she doesn’t like her.

apparently, the feeling is mutual, because the woman crosses her arms and directs a glare at the blonde, as jamie jumps into lexa’s arms.

“ontari,” lexa says after planting a kiss on her son’s cheeks. “this is my son, jamie, i’ve told you about him.” then, she grins as she glances to her left, “and this is clarke.”

lexa has also mentioned clarke to ontari, because her scowl deepens by a fraction before she holds out her hand and politely says, “it’s a pleasure to finally meet you, clarke.”

“yeah, you too,” clarke manages to return a polite smile before shaking her hand firmly. ontari says her goodbye to lexa and leaves without another word, and clarke’s glare follows her down the hallway until she’s out of sight.

when clarke turns her attention to her favourite people in the room, jamie has lexa’s cheeks in both of his hands as he relays his day in school. he’s speaking animatedly, about their blanket castle, and their indoor playtime, and the new words he learned, and the lake-puddles and the sharks in it. lexa’s nodding, but she’s barely able to stop herself from laughing at her son’s imagination.

it’s quite a sight, and clarke grins along with them. her skin has goosebumps from the cold, but her chest warms up when lexa kisses the tip of his nose and jamie squeals in laughter.

he hides his face in lexa’s neck, just as clarke glances back at the hallway and states, “you two seem close.” she inspects her nails, trying to sound unaffected, but it doesn’t seem to be working as lexa looks at her with an amused expression.

“don’t be ridiculous. she’s only a friend, clarke.”

clarke huffs, rolling her eyes dramatically. “i’m not jealous. who said i was jealous?”

“i said _ridiculous_ ,” lexa smirks, tilting her head, “not jealous.”

clarke levels her with a glare as her cheeks burn, and lexa laughs. she doesn’t prod any further, doesn’t comment on clarke’s reddening cheeks. instead, she asks, “and what about you, how was your day?”

clarke shrugs, before shoving her hands into her pockets. “i had a seminar today, then i checked in with a few of my patients. it went okay.” her day was as boring as any, and it only started brightening up once she picked up jamie and arrived at lexa’s office.

(ironically enough, that’s when the rain began to pour even harder.)

the corner of lexa’s lips curve up into a smile. “well, my day was definitely better. i had _two_ seminars,” she says, with a slight roll of her eyes.

the blonde steps forward, and that’s when jamie lifts his head and kisses his mommy’s cheek. “sounds like you had more fun than me,” clarke says, as she watches lexa return the kiss on his cheek.

jamie turns to clarke and reaches for her, and clarke leans forward to let him kiss her cheek, and she plays along and plants one on him. he then announces, “mommy’s turn!” and motions for clarke to kiss lexa. he taps lexa’s cheek, imploring, “come on, mama.”

and clarke’s vaguely aware of the people milling about in the hallway, and she’s just about to give in and go along with jamie’s request, but lexa leans in first and her lips land on the corner of clarke’s mouth.

“thanks for picking us up,” lexa murmurs, and clarke finally regains control of herself and leans in to peck lexa’s lips softly.

clarke’s stuck, and she can’t look away from lexa’s eyes, but she manages to murmur back, “you’re welcome.”

jamie lets out an excited whoop, glad that they’ve participated in his little game, and then he asks, “can we go home now?”

.

lexa doesn’t ask why clarke was jealous. clarke doesn’t think about why she was jealous.

jamie watches his mommy lean her chin on his mama’s shoulder, when they’re waiting for the elevator doors to open up.

.

clarke offers to make dinner, and lexa joins her in the kitchen as she tries to finish up some work she didn’t tend to today, and jamie isn’t very interested in their adult conversation, so he leaves without another word and finds himself in the living room, trying to decide which movie to watch. he’s got his dinosaur blanket draped over his shoulders, “like a superhero cape!” he had told his mommy, and he’s stuck between three disney movies, when he spots movement outside the window in the corner of his eyes.

it wouldn’t have alarmed him, but it was dark and rainy, and monsters tend to lurk during these conditions. it doesn’t help that it could be a manshark, swimming out of a lake-puddle.

he’s frozen in his spot, his eyes still scanning the windows as his heart rate increases, trying to make sense of what’s outside, when clarke’s laughter echoes from the kitchen. the noise distracts him a little, so it takes him a few seconds to see the dark hooded figure, that’s standing directly outside their window.

jamie is wide-eyed, as his breathing becomes heavier, and his legs are getting ready to bolt into the kitchen at any second. then, the hooded figure places a wet, gloved hand on the window with a dull smack, and jamie lets out an alarmed scream.

the hooded figure jumps at his reaction, and jamie hears lexa’s stool scraping on the floor, followed by hurried footsteps into the living room. he doesn’t even try to articulate using words, he just raises his hand and points out the window, and clarke is first to scoop him up into her arms.

lexa is trailing right behind her, and she directs a glare at the window, right at the hooded figure who’s now tapping on the glass. she’s ready to direct her rage at whoever this is for terrifying their son, but she stops short when the dark figure pulls the hood off.

it’s raven, drenched from head to toe, tapping on the window, to get their attention.

jamie is still crying in clarke’s arms, grasping at her shirt and unwilling to be let down. he doesn’t dare look at the direction of the window, and instead buries his face on clarke’s neck. “mommy, mama,” he mumbles as he sobs.

lexa shares a look with clarke, who tilts her head, gesturing towards the front door. she nods in return, and moves to open the door and invite raven in from the rain. her boots squelch with every step, and she looks like she fell into a lake, by the way her clothes are dripping on the floor.

“sorry for scaring the kid,” raven mutters sheepishly, “i tried ringing the bell, but i don’t think you heard it.”

clarke emerges with a slightly calm jamie, who’s trying to even his breaths. she’s soothing him by rubbing his back, and she asks, “what were you out doing in the rain?”

“octavia and lincoln are out on a date, and i lost my keys and i just got home,” raven admits, as she pulls off her boots. “i didn’t want to interrupt them, and i thought they were getting home soon, so i waited for them on the porch. but uh,” she looks down at herself, “it didn’t really save me from the weather.”

“would you like to borrow some clothes?” lexa offers, as she helps raven out of her coat. “you can take a warm shower too, if you want.”

raven glances at clarke, who nods her head slightly, before she says, “sure, if you don’t mind. i’m really sorry about the kid, again.”

“it’s fine,” clarke assures her, but lexa narrows her eyes at the blonde. “it is,” she insists, “see, he’s okay, now, aren’t you, jay?”

jamie replies with a whine, before he leans towards lexa and asks for her to take him. he wraps his arms tightly around her when she complies. he hasn’t forgiven raven yet, which means lexa hasn’t too. she plants a kiss on his temple and rubs his back just like clarke did.

“i’ll make it up to him, i’ll buy him anything he wants for his birthday.” raven watches jamie lift his head and level her with a scrutinizing gaze, before settling his chin back down on lexa’s shoulder again. “is that a yes?”

clarke chuckles, as she leads raven towards her bedroom, “that’s a maybe.”

“it’s a yes,” lexa confirms with a small smile, “he’ll sort out the details with you later.”

.

raven is looking around clarke’s bedroom with curiosity; at the medical journals littered on her desk, the clothes resting at the foot of her bed that she hadn’t bothered to fold. “do you sleep here?”

the blonde is rooting through her closet for clothes, she’s sure she has one of raven’s hoodies from years and years ago _somewhere_ , and she distractedly calls out, “huh?”

raven explains, “i asked if you slept here, because this room is very lived in.”

“uh, yeah—” _found it_ , a red hoodie with their old high school’s logo stitched on it. she holds it up in front of raven with a grin, “remember this?”

“hey! i thought i lost this!” raven takes it cheerfully and buries her face in it. “smells good, fruity. what the hell did you wash this with, a basket of berries?”

berries? clarke’s detergent scent is lavender— oh. “that’s— lexa must have washed it.”

“ah,” raven nods, “thanks, clarke. now, where’s your shower?”  

“straight down the hall,” clarke instructs, “do you want to stay for dinner?”

raven beams, “sure, as long as i’m not interrupting with your wife and kid.”

oh, _oh no_. clarke has a frozen smile on her face, “you’re not, you’re welcome to stay.” she watches raven disappear into the bathroom, before she rushes into the kitchen where lexa and jamie are.

“hey, _wifey_ ,” she says, as she enters, and immediately lexa pauses to look at her. “raven’s staying for dinner,” clarke tells her, but her eyes convey a different message. they’re wide and worried, and lexa immediately understands.

“of course,” she smiles happily, and finishes tying the bib around jamie’s neck. it’s pasta night, and he tends to get sauce all over himself. “do you mind setting another plate for her?”

clarke’s still staring at her— dinner means conversations, conversations that may lead to deeper lies, and she’s sure they don’t have enough time to get their stories straight. she knows raven is one of the rare percentage of the population that’s capable of taking five minute showers.

lexa tilts her head, nodding slightly as if she knows what clarke is thinking, before she asks, “please?”

clarke jerks her head into a nod, and moves to set another plate for raven just as the bathroom door opens. raven walks in a few minutes later, her wet clothes bundled up in her hands. lexa clicks into the personality of a perfect host and she takes them from raven. “let me put that in the dryer for you,” she tilts her head at the dining table, where jamie is seated at the head of it, “sit.”

just as she loads up the dryer and hears clarke and raven’s voices, she mutters to herself, “clarke griffin, you owe me a lot of favours.”

.

it goes better than they expected, their saving grace is, of course, jamie.

he’s relatively calmer than before, and though he regards raven with mild apprehension after the window incident, they manage to engage in conversation about space.

clarke and lexa sit back and listen, occasionally nodding along and humming with acknowledgment. they share amused smiles, when jamie points out things he’s learned in school, like, “jupiter’s the biggest planet, but the sun is bigger than jupiter.”

“the sun isn’t a planet though,” raven points her fork at him, “it’s a star.”

jamie pauses, “no, the sun is a sun. stars are stars.” he says, matter-of-factly, leaving no room for argument. raven’s eye twitches.

“he’s four, raven, i don’t think it’s worth it,” clarke comments as she chuckles, and beside her, lexa’s shoulders shake with silent laughter. jamie is sitting at the head of the table with a proud grin, as if he’s won something.

“i’ll let this go, only because i’ve scarred you mentally, after earlier.” raven says around a mouthful of pasta.

later on, when they’ve moved to the living room and jamie has settled in front of the tv, and the three adults behind him are each nursing a glass of wine, raven begins to inquire about them, and unfortunately, the little boy can only save them so many times.

“this house seems bigger than ours, and they look identical. this has three bedrooms too, right?” she asks, before taking a sip and glancing at the couple on the other couch. lexa has her legs draped over clarke’s lap, and the blonde is absentmindedly massaging her feet when she replies.

“yeah, i bought this house with dad’s insurance money.”

“huh,” raven doesn’t want to go down that path of conversation, they haven’t had enough wine yet, so she asks, “so what have you done with the third bedroom? octavia turned ours into a craft room for when she makes things for her students.” she eyes jamie, who’s sitting on the floor with his dinosaur blanket around him.

their third bedroom is lexa’s room, but they can’t go ahead and say that. “it’s a guest room,” clarke supplies, and lexa agrees with a quiet hum, “but we’ve run out of space in the closets in my room, so it has lexa’s things in it, too.”

“speaking of guest rooms,” raven mumbles as she holds her phone in her hand. she reads the message with a sigh, “octavia said they’re crashing at bellamy’s apartment, because the roads are blocked off. apparently, it’s flooded. they’ll be home tomorrow, which means…” she looks up at clarke and lexa, who are sharing a look with each other. it’s a silent conversation, and only their eyes are moving, and raven considers the depth of understanding they have for each other if they can communicate like this.

it’s lexa that turns away first and says, “you’re free to stay. we do have a free bed, after all.”

clarke stills and holds her breath next to her, and she breathes out shakily when raven nods, “i’ll pay you in toys, for the kid’s birthday. hell, i’ll build him his first car.”

lexa takes clarke’s hand and squeezes it, “i think toys will suffice, for now,” before drinking down the rest of her wine.

.

they’ve nearly finished a whole bottle, and raven promises to look for this specific brand so she can repay them, and jamie is still wide awake even though it’s nearing his bedtime. but when he yawns, it reminds his mommy of that fact, and lexa calls out, “jamie, time for bed.”

he yawns again, and frowns up at them, “not yet, mommy.”

“time for bed, jay,” clarke echoes, and jamie concedes with a sigh as he gets up on his feet.

“read me a story,” he requests, and raven watches all of this unfold, quietly tucked away on the other couch.

lexa takes her legs away from clarke’s lap, “we need to get you changed into your pyjamas first,” she says before lifting him up and taking him to his room.

there’s a minute of silence, where clarke is spinning the empty wine glass in her hand, and raven is watching her with an unreadable expression.

the latter is the first to break it. “abby would love him,” raven murmurs so softly, that clarke almost misses it. she blinks up at raven, just as she adds, “she would love lexa, too. you guys are good for each other.”

and it’s been years, and she’s not even sure if her mom is still the same person she left. but she agrees with a nod, along with a quiet, “yeah, probably.”

“she’s chief of surgery now, won a lot of awards and everything,” raven finishes the last of her wine, “she misses you a lot.”

clarke knows about the awards, it’s not difficult to find abigail griffin on google along with the string of certificates she has won from the annual doctors’ gala. she sighs, and refers to the last part of raven statement when she says, “i doubt that.”

“don’t you miss her?”

jamie’s giggles echo through the house, and clarke replies, “of course. i just don’t know how i’ll face her, with, all of this.”

“just do it how you did it with me,” she yawns, “show up with your wife and kid, with a plate of cookies.”

“she’s not my wife,” then clarke adds quietly, hesitantly, “not yet.”

“well, she’s going to be soon,” raven stands up and stretches, “i think it’s bedtime for me, too.”

“come on,” clarke sets down her empty wine glass on the coffee table in front of them, “let me show you to the guest room.”

.

“wait, what are you doing here?” jamie asks raven, when he pops his head into lexa’s room— _the guest room_. he left his fluffy socks there this morning, and he’s on a secret mission to retrieve them.

“i’m sleeping over, is that okay?” raven asks with an amused grin. she watches the child nod, and grab a pair of socks from the chair at the corner of the room. he struggles a little with putting them on, and she’s debating whether she should limp over to him and help, but he succeeds in getting the sock on his foot. “aren’t you supposed to be asleep?”

“yeah,” jamie nods, and he looks down at his pyjama pants, pointing at the fabric, dotted with spaceships. “do you like them? they’re my space pyjamas.”

raven humours him, “they’re cool, i wish i had a pair,” she sighs.

jamie offers as he finishes slipping on the other sock, “i’ll ask clarke to get you some,” and he begins to walk towards the door, and that makes raven pause.

“who?” she asks, her eyes narrowing.

“clarke,” jamie clarifies with an easy shrug, “my mama.”

“..why’d you call her by her name?”

“oh,” jamie blinks, his eyebrows furrowing a little. “sometimes i do that.”

raven settles down on the bed and nods slowly, “right, okay,” and jamie has an inkling that it might have been the wrong thing to say.

.

his return to his room isn’t as sneaky as he thought, and clarke’s bedroom door is open and his mommy catches him trying to slip past. “jamie, why aren’t you in bed?”

her question is left unanswered though, because jamie tilts her head at lexa and asks, “wait, what are you doing?”

he bounces into clarke’s room and he’s ready to get into her bed, but the blonde picks him up, and says, “it’s past your bedtime, jay.”

jamie glances at lexa, who’s wearing silk shorts and a faded shirt, and he’s pretty sure she’s wearing clarke’s clothes. “mommy, why are you here?”

“i’m sleeping here,” lexa admits, suppressing a yawn, “because raven’s sleeping in my bed.”

“can i sleep here, too?” he takes clarke’s cheeks into his hands, “please, please, please?”

clarke blinks, and she nearly says yes, but she answers, “you have your own bed to sleep in.”

“so does mommy!” jamie argues with a whine, and clarke hopes he wasn’t loud enough for raven to hear.

“jamie, bed,” lexa sternly commands, and the little boy immediately huffs and quietens down. he allows clarke and lexa to tuck him in for the second time that night, along with another bedtime story.

.

they’ve shared a bed a million times, half of those are purely by accident, when they watch movies together and end up leaning on each others’ shoulders. the other half are when clarke is barely awake, when she comes back from her long shifts, and she still wants to check in with lexa. those are the times when lexa’s bed tempts her, and she gives in and settles next to the brunette.

every time they’ve shared a bed, it’s always been natural, or they’ve kept it natural. they don’t ask questions, they don’t tell the other to go to their own bed.

(clarke and lexa just go with it, and they should probably stop doing that, because this is how they’ve ended up in their current situation.)

and apparently, tonight is no exception. clarke wordlessly settles onto one side of the bed, after they’ve made sure that jamie is sound asleep in his room, and lexa settles right next to her on the other side of the bed.

there’s enough room on the bed, but their legs are brushing against each other, and clarke lays down on the pillow, facing lexa, watching her perform the slow process of extracting her contacts. she smiles a little, when she says, “you should wear your glasses on some days.”

lexa’s blinking, readjusting her eyes as she places the lens in their little container and washes them with saline. “i hate my glasses, they make me look old.”

“i think they make you look cute,” the blonde comments as she yawns.

and lexa can barely fight the smile that makes its way on her face, “you think you can repay me in compliments?”

“repay you? for what?”

lexa turns off the lamp by the bedside table, and she lays down, pulling their shared comforter closer around her body. “for being such a good fianceé tonight.” she’s facing clarke now, too, and clarke’s cold toes tickle hers.

“i wasn’t aware i had to compensate you for that,” clarke laughs. in the dark, the hallway light glows through the crack of the door, and she can barely make out lexa’s face. “want to go out for dinner tomorrow night?”

lexa hums quietly, slowly being lulled to sleep, “you don’t have to, i was kidding.”

“i know,” clarke whispers, and shifts closer. lexa’s body is like a heater, and the storm is still rolling and booming outside, unrelentless. “i want to.”

.

when the house is quiet and still, clarke pulls lexa’s body closer to hers, and she  kisses her shoulder and mumbles sleepily, “thank you.”

much, much later, lexa’s eyes flutter in the dark, and she kisses her chin, “you’re always welcome.”

.

jamie wakes up because of a boom of thunder, and the sky is still dark, but the rain has taken its pause. he scurries out of his room, and right into clarke’s, and quietly, he crawls onto the mattress, under the comforter and navigates his way between two warm bodies tangled within each other.

“mommy, mommy,” he mutters, trying to pull off clarke’s arm from lexa’s torso so he can lie in between them.

clarke complies, still asleep, as lexa blinks awake and pulls back a little to give him space. it’s so warm in between them, like they’ve been holding each other all night, and jamie murmurs sleepily as he’s enveloped in this new, lovely warmth between his mothers.

.

the rain hasn’t returned all morning, but the weather channels are still warning of continuing downpour later on in the day, and anya takes this as the opportunity to run errands all around town before the rain traps her in again. she needs to stock up on food, pick up some dry cleaning— but first, she needs to drop a box of her old things at lexa’s. it has books, jackets, and even some old concert memorabilias that she can’t fit anywhere in her apartment, so she’s handing them to lexa and letting her deal with it.

some roads are blocked, and it’s a blessing that anya has lived in tondc for most of her life, because she navigates through back roads with ease.

clarke’s hair is still mussed with sleep when she answers the door.

“late shift last night?” anya greets her, as she follows the blonde into the house and into the kitchen.

“no, we just got up,” clarke replies, “school’s canceled, so we slept in a bit more.” she makes a beeline for the pot of coffee that raven has already made, and automatically, she reaches for three mugs. “this is raven,” she gestures to the girl who’s readjusting her brace by the dining table, “and this is anya.”

she sets down the box of things on the floor, as she nods at raven, “hey, i’m lexa’s best friend.”

raven returns the nod, along with a bright smile, “i’m clarke’s, i live right next door.”

the smell of coffee distracts anya as clarke sets a warm mug in her hands, and two more on the dining table. “i work with anya too, she’s one of the senior residents in the hospital.”

“speaking of,” anya mumbles as she fishes out a neat, white envelope from the box. “this is from nyko, he wanted me to give it to you.” she turns to raven, “work thing from boss,” with a shrug.

“thanks,” clarke examines the envelope and sees the hospital’s logo stamped on it, along with her name written just below. “lexa’s giving jamie a bath, you might want to sit down for a bit.”

“nah,” anya gulps down the scalding hot coffee without a flinch. “i have to go run around town now, get some food,” she sets the mug on the table and tilts her head at the box by her feet. “just tell her that it’s all hers,” then anya grins, and clarke regards it with a cautious expression, “in return, i want to be her maid of honour.”

the blonde blinks, as she jerks her head in a nod. “uh— yes?”

“wait,” raven chimes in curiously, “have you guys even had an engagement party yet?”

anya’s eyes are bright as they land on raven, “no, they haven’t.” her grin widens, “what a fantastic idea.”

_oh no_ , clarke begins to shake her head, she can already see the plans formulating in raven’s brain, and coupled with anya— this can only mean one thing. “we don’t really need one,” she tries, “we’re just trying to keep it simple—”

anya holds up a hand, “i don’t care how you plan your wedding, leave the engagement party to me.”

“and me!” raven cuts in with a huff, “it was _my_ idea.”

“ _fine_ ,” anya concedes as she fishes out her phone from her pocket, “give me your number, we’ll plan it together. you know what clarke wants, and i know what lexa wants.” she turns to clarke, her eyes glinting mischievously, “i can’t promise that there won’t be strippers, so the kid has to get a babysitter.”

clarke’s jaw slackens as the two exchange contact details right in front of her, “wait, _no_ , this is unnecessary.” lexa appears into the kitchen with jamie, who’s dressed in his fluffy tigger onesie, and the blonde sighs in relief. “lexa, tell them that this is unnecessary.”

“what is?” lexa’s eyebrow quirks up in curiosity as she sets jamie down on the floor.

“we’re planning your engagement party,” raven supplies, and out of the corner of clarke’s eyes, she can see lexa’s posture go rigid. “i’m sure octavia will help out too.”

“this is unnecessary,” lexa echoes clarke, as she glances as the blonde’s panicked blue eyes. “we don’t need something like this, anya—”

“shhh, it’s done,” anya says as she takes her phone back from raven, “i have to run out, now, we still need to talk,” she directs the last part at lexa, who is still frozen in her spot. anya ruffles jamie’s wet hair, “see you losers later,” and with that, she disappears out to the hallway and out of the house.

raven takes a sip of her coffee and announces, “i like her,” unaware of the way clarke’s world is slowly crumbling out of her hands, taking lexa’s along with her.

.

 

 

**_viii._ **

(his face is wrinkled up and angry as he shakes his fist in the air, and the nurse insists that she can do this. “you’re his mother, you can calm him down,” she had said to lexa, who had only given birth the day before.

“but he’s so small, i might break him,” she murmurs, and the baby’s cheek is pressed against her chest, and he’s making those squeaky, wailing noises that worries lexa because it sounds like he’s not breathing properly.

“oh, honey, you won’t,” the nurse smiles gently. “now let me show you how to make him latch onto your nipple,” she directs lexa on how told her newborn son properly, how to position him while she breastfeeds.

when james— _jamie_ , calms down and happily feeds from lexa’s breast, she asks the nurse, “does it get any easier?” she’s only asking about the breastfeeding, and the constant crying, but the nurse replies in a totally different context.

the nurse laughs, “you’re only just getting started, it all goes downhill from here.”)

.

“ _what_ did you say to them?” is the first thing lexa asks, once raven has gone home. she regards clarke with a hardened glare, to which the blonde responds with a sigh.

“i didn’t say anything,” clarke catches her bottom lip between her teeth, “it really was raven’s idea. it just came up in the conversation, and then i couldn’t stop it anymore.” just like a ball rolling down the hill, there was no point chasing after it.

“ _clarke_ ,” lexa breathes out heavily, her distress clear. “do you understand what they’re trying to do?” she steps closer, taking clarke’s hands in hers. she squeezes them as she says, “they’re planning a _party_ , they’re inviting _more people_. _clarke_ ,” lexa sighs, her green eyes locked onto blue, “they’re going to expect a _wedding_.”

“do you think i don’t know that?” clarke hisses quietly at her, taking back one of her hands to cover her face with it. she’s mindful of the four-year old boy who’s playing in his room, just down the hall. “i tried to stop it, but you know what anya is like.”

lexa drops their hands between their bodies, “we can’t let this go any further,” she murmurs quietly.

“i know, i know,” clarke mumbles back, closing the gap between them and resting her forehead on lexa’s shoulder. the other woman wraps one of her arms around her, while her other hand goes to rub her back.

a white envelope sitting on the dining table catches lexa’s eye, as she asks, “you know what this means?”

“what is it?”

“it means i have to dump you in public now,” the brunette tells her, and it earns a dramatic groan from clarke. lexa pulls back, chuckling, “or maybe just in front of one of them, and then we’ll let that person spread the word.”

“ugh,” clarke frowns as she pulls back. “then it needs to be a _really bad_ break up. like, horribly bad.” her bottom lip is almost jutting out and lexa would comment on how adorable she is, if they weren’t stuck in this situation. “this is going to be embarrassing.”

“which is more embarrassing: admitting that we were pretending all along, or pretending to have the worst break up in the history of break ups?”

“you’re right,” clarke concedes with a slump of her shoulders. she peers up at lexa through long lashes, and with a hint of a smile, she says, “as long as you tell people that i was the best partner you’ve ever had in bed, then i don’t care how you dump me.”

lexa can’t stop herself from smacking clarke’s arm, and she laughs, “get away from me, you animal.”

.

and just like that, they’re okay again.

.

the rain comes back, just like the weather channels had promised, and it comes back with a vengeance. the noise of it pouring down on the roof is so loud, and jamie can barely hear his moms from his room. he’s trying to recreate the blanket castle they created in school yesterday, while his moms are cleaning out the freezer, and the rain keeps distracting him.

the thunder isn’t any better, but it isn’t loud like last night where it was booming. tonight, it’s just softly rumbling, offering the occasional flash beforehand as a warning, and jamie mutters to himself, “i miss the sun.”

he runs out of blankets and pillows, and he scurries into the kitchen to ask if he can borrow his moms’ comforters. he finds frozen food and meat laid out on every surface of the counter, and a puddle right in front of the fridge. clarke’s shirt is soaked on the front, like she swam in said puddle.

“did the rain come in here?” jamie asks as he surveys the scene, and his mommy pauses from wiping down the thawed freezer to look at him.

it’s clarke that answers, “something like that.” she sends a playful glare at lexa, “your mother pushed me into the puddle.”

“no, i didn’t,” lexa says seriously, but a second after, a wide smile appears on her face, betraying her. “you simply fell in it.”

jamie pokes a whole frozen chicken and frowns at the cold sensation it sends to his fingertip. “mama, can i borrow your pillows? i’m making a castle.”

“pillows aren’t for castles,” lexa comments just as clarke says, “sure, you can take my blankets too.”

the boy lets out a loud cheer, completely ignoring his mommy, and the sky echoes it with a grumble of its own, as he hugs clarke’s leg. he misses the chiding gaze that lexa sends the blonde, along with the sheepish grin and the wink that clarke sends back.

but what he doesn’t miss, is the crisp, white envelope, sitting innocently on the dining table.

“ooh,” jamie picks it up, his curiosity piqued. “what’s this?” he waves it in the air, to catch clarke and lexa’s attentions, as he flips it over.

“what is that?” lexa stands from kneeling in front of the freezer, as clarke takes the envelope from the boy.

she answers, “this is from work, from my boss nyko apparently. anya gave it to me earlier.”

“you seem to be in no hurry to open that,” lexa steps closer to them, eyeing the envelope closely.

jamie sticks his hand in the air and tries to reach for it, “can i open it?”

“it’s probably just the new rotation roster for the next few months, they’re shuffling us all around.” clarke shrugs, ripping the corner of the paper and pulling her finger down along it, successfully opening its seal. she pulls out a blue card, with beautiful calligraphy embossed into it. two identical smaller cards fall out, and jamie immediately bends over to pick them up.

“that doesn’t look like a roster,” lexa remarks, as she stands behind clarke, resting her chin on her shoulder and reads the embossed golden calligraphy. she catches the words, “ _formally invited_ ,” and, “ _97th annual doctor’s gala_ ,” and she glances at the two cards in jamie’s hands and realizes they’re tickets. “oh no,” she mumbles, as clarke’s breath hitches in her throat.

“oh no,” clarke repeats, as she flips the card over, hoping to find a _just kidding!_ written on the back. “this is a mistake. i’m a resident physician, i don’t get invited to these things!”

“why not?” jamie curiously looks up at them, confused about why they sound distressed over a piece of card.

clarke answers his question, but she faces lexa. “i’m— i’m a nobody, okay? residents don’t get _invited_ , we have to buy our own tickets and actually invite ourselves to it.” she looks down at the card again, reading it over and over.

“why would they send you one of these?” lexa takes the card from her, looking down at it too, trying to figure out if there is a mistake glaring right at them.

clarke takes the tickets from jamie’s hands and shakes them, “nyko!” she pauses, to take a breath, “we were talking a few weeks ago, and i had mentioned that i’ve never gone to the gala, because it’s just not my thing, and he said he’d get me free tickets and—” her eyes are alarmed as they stare into lexa, “this is _his_ fault!”

jamie is watching them, his eyes flitting back and forth between his mommy and his mama. he finds himself nodding along when lexa says, “well, you don’t have to go,” hoping it would make clarke feel better.

it does not. clarke lets out a forced laugh, “if i don’t, i might as well hand in my resignation. he gave me free tickets, lexa, i would be slapping him in the face if i don’t show up.”

she falls onto the dining chair with a sigh, and jamie asks quietly, “who is he?”

“my,” clarke sighs again, running her hand through his blonde hair, “my boss. he’s in charge in the hospital where i work.”

“oh,” then the boy shrugs, “just tell him you don’t wanna go.”

clarke smiles at his sincere attempt to help, “i wish i could, jay.”

lexa drops her hand on clarke’s shoulder and gives her a reassuring squeeze, “worst case scenario, you go, have a horrible time, and tell nyko that you’re never going again.”

clarke extends the smile to her, too, and she takes lexa’s hand from her shoulder and laces their fingers together, “i could do that.” she looks down at the two tickets in her other hand, and an idea forms in her head. “you could come with me, i’ve got an extra ticket. we could have a horrible time together.”

“can i come too?” jamie taps clarke’s thigh excitedly, a wide grin spreading on his face.

“i only have two tickets, jay, and the gala goes on pretty late.” clarke supplies with a deep frown, “sorry, buddy.”

“oh,” jamie lets out a disgruntled noise, “does that mean you have to leave me with auntie anya again?”

“probably,” lexa nods slowly, “if she’s available.”

jamie requests, “can i stay with raven? i like raven.” he grins hopefully this time, noticing the way lexa glances at clarke, as if she’s letting the blonde answer this one for the both of them.

“if raven’s up for it,” clarke squeezes his cheek gently. “maybe octavia will watch you, too.”

“miss o? in school?”

lexa chuckles, “no, no,” she shakes her head. “in her house, next door. i’d probably trust her more than raven. you’ll just argue with her about space all night.”

clarke smiles at memory of last night, and her eyes glance down at the ticket and catch the boldly written _annual doctor’s gala_ and—

“ _she’s chief of surgery now, won a lot of awards and everything._ ”

“oh no,” clarke mumbles again, squeezing lexa’s hand.

“clarke,” lexa soothes her, “it’ll be fine. i’ll come with you, we’ll have a terrible time together, and you can make nyko guilty for giving you tickets. everybody wins.”

“you have to come with me,” she squeezes lexa’s hand again, and the brunette returns it.

she looks down at clarke, confused, “i already said i will.”

“no,” clarke repeats, “you _have to_ come with me.” she stands from her seat, not letting go of lexa’s hand. “it’s the _doctor’s gala_ , lexa.” her eyes widen slowly as she explains, “the gala is within the tri-county area; polis, tondc, arkadia. all of the doctors—”

“—your mother,” lexa finishes, with wide eyes of her own. “she’ll be there.”

jamie is watching them; they’re inches apart and they’re practically breathing into each other’s space, and he’s unaware of the current depth of the situation. he taps his hand onto his own thigh quietly, waiting a while for one of them to speak again.

lexa squeezes their interlocked hands, and she murmurs, “i’ll still go with you. it’s this weekend, right?”

clarke’s eyes never leave hers as she nods slowly. then, she says, so quietly that jamie barely catches it, “you can’t break up with me yet.”

“i’m right here,” is what lexa whispers back, and she leans in just a bit, and it makes it look like they’re going to—

“are you going to kiss?” jamie pipes up loudly, “like in the movies?”

he inadvertently breaks the spell, and they automatically move away from each other. clarke busies herself with sliding the card and the tickets back in its original envelope, her cheeks reddening by the second.  lexa isn’t faring any better, as she looks around the state of the kitchen, before she turns to jamie with her cheeks as pink as her lips.

“weren’t you building a castle, jay?” to that, jamie wordlessly nods, puzzled at their sudden change of behaviour. lexa suggests, “why don’t you go finish that up? clarke and i will clean up the kitchen, and you can help us make dinner. we’re making pizzas.”

.

the rain is even worse after dinner, and jamie is much more obedient about going to bed on time compared to last night, so he’s knocked out before ten, and lexa and clarke both silently agree to turn in early.

clarke has an early shift tomorrow, and she’s a little jealous of jamie and lexa— jamie, because his school is cancelled for the rest of the week because of the storm, and lexa, who’s been told by the board that they’re cancelling all lectures until next week, so all she has to do is communicate with her students through e-mail.

whether it rains or shines, clarke has shifts in the hospital, and nothing will ever change that, so she huffs and tries to burrow deeper into her comforter to warm herself up. except it doesn’t work, and half an hour later, she’s shivering in her own bed. she considers putting on a hoodie over her shirt, but her brain, desperate for sleep, has a better idea.

she pads through the hallway and navigates expertly in the dark, towards lexa’s room. the woman herself is awake, her glasses are perched on the top of her head, and she’s squinting at her phone screen when clarke pushes the bedroom door open.

“i’m cold,” is all clarke says, and lexa makes room for her in her bed without another word. clarke mirrors their position from last night, and she faces lexa again when she lays her head down on the pillow.

lexa places her phone and her glasses down on the bedside table, before scooting closer to the blonde. “you’re worse than jamie,” she whispers softly with a smile.

“shut up,” clarke blurts out sleepily, “you love me.”

lexa stills, and after a few moments, clarke does too, and in the dark, they both try to make out each other’s expressions.

lexa’s reply comes in the form of a hum of acknowledgment of what she said, as she tentatively places her arm over clarke’s stomach.

clarke’s hand lands on her elbow, and she says nothing more.

.

“ _i can’t, i have plans, alexandria,_ ” anya drawls on the other end of the line, and lexa huffs at the use of her full name. she leans back on the office chair by her desk, and absentmindedly, her eyes scan her bedroom.

“you owe me this, anya, come on,” lexa implores. “clarke and i will only be a few hours anyway. we’ll be home before midnight.”

there’s a sigh, followed by, “ _i still can’t, cinderella. and if anything, it’s_ you _that owes_ me _. i’m throwing your engagement party._ ”

“that’s the thing,” lexa rolls her eyes, turning to look out of the window. “this engagement party is an inconvenience to me,” she says with a scowl, silently hoping that it carries over through the phone call. “it wasn’t even your idea.”

“ _i’m co-planning it,_ ” anya corrects herself, “ _whatever. where are you and clarke going anyway?_ ”

she’s tempted to say that it’s none of her business, after the engagement party planning, but lexa sighs out. “clarke’s taking me to the doctor’s gala with her. she needs… support.”

“ _well, then, i’ll be seeing you there. that’s why i can’t watch your offspring._ ” lexa buries her face in her hand. great, anya will be there too, this night is truly doomed from the start. “ _actually, i doubt i’ll be seeing you at all, because you’ll probably sneak off with clarke and christen the ladies’ room_.”

“anya!” lexa flushes, she’s glad that they’re having this conversation over the phone— she could never handle her best friend’s crude humour. “clarke and i.. aren’t like that.”

“ _oh, that’s right_ ,” anya agrees, her tone growing sharp, “ _because i don’t know what kind of couple you two are, because you never told me!_ ” ah, there it is. lexa waits, drumming her fingers on her desk. “ _i had to find out from your kid! from_ jamie _!_ _by_ accident _! what the hell, alexandria? what kind of best friend starts banging her roommate and doesn’t immediately tell me? and you know what’s worse— you two aren’t even just fucking— you’re_ engaged _! when the hell did this_ happen _?_ ”

she waits another while, “are you done?”

“ _yes,_ ” anya sighs. “ _explain._ ”

lexa opens her mouth to relay the lie that they’ve gone over so many times; the same lie that clarke had told octavia, but she stops. anya doesn’t count, anya doesn’t need to be fooled. instead, she comes out with, “we’re not really together.”

the line is quiet, and she’s afraid that it’s been disconnected, then anya breathes, “ _say again?_ ”

“it’s—” here she goes. “it’s all a lie, anya. we’re lying. we’re not really together. we’re pretending.” she bites her bottom lip, listening to the cartoonish theme song of jamie’s favourite show echoing from the living room. “because clarke couldn’t face her friends alone— well, actually. it started accidentally, and we just sort of.. went along with it.”

anya’s still listening, and at lexa’s pause, she encourages, “ _g_ _o on_.”

“jamie had a parent-teacher meeting and clarke went with me, and his teacher ended up being clarke’s old best friend, and she had mistaken jamie as our son—” her heart tightens a bit at the implication that jamie isn’t clarke’s, _that_ sounds like it should be the lie. “—and me as her wife, and we corrected her, but we didn’t correct her _properly_ , so i ended up being clarke’s fianceé, and we just.. actively fake dated.” lexa lets out a shaky breath, as she waits for anya’s response.

it comes two minutes later, in the form of, “ _what the fuck, lexa._ ”

“yeah, i know.”

anya mutters to herself, trying to make sense of everything, “ _but what the hell_ — _but raven told me_ — _why would you_ —”

“wait, what did raven tell you?” lexa asks suddenly, cutting off her mutterings, and she can discern anya’s hesitation even through the phone.

“ _it doesn’t matter,_ ” anya pushes that matter aside quickly, “ _a_ _nd now clarke is taking you to the gala, to what_ — _tell everyone she works with and fool them, too?_ ”

“that’s another story for later, a long, different story.” she remembers clarke’s panicked eyes, and shakes the memory away. “her mother is going to be there, and she can’t not go, because of nyko, so she’s taking me with her.”

“ _as support for seeing her mother?_ ” anya echoes, and lexa hums in agreement. “ _who’s going to support you?_ ”

lexa automatically replies, “clarke; we support each other,” with finality.

“ _damn, alexandria,_ ” she hears another sigh from anya, “ _what did you get yourself into?_ ” lexa doesn’t offer a response, she can’t think of one, and anya asks, “ _how are you going to end it?_ ”

“clarke and i are trying to plan a really bad break up, in front of one of her friends, and then we’ll just let it travel through the grapevine.”

“ _don’t_ ,” is anya’s immediate answer, “ _that’s a bad idea, don’t do that. what are you going to tell the kid?_ ”

“we’ll tell him the truth, i don’t want to lie to him.” lexa narrows her eyes, gripping the phone tighter in her hand. “why can’t i dump clarke semi-publicly?”

“ _it just sounds really bad. are you going to move out when you do that?_ ”

lexa hesitates, “i.. haven’t thought about it. i didn’t think we’d need to.”

“ _lexa_ ,” anya laughs lightly, “ _in the eyes of other people, you two were engaged, broke it off, and then you continue to live with your ex-fianceé?_ why _? you’re well-off, you can afford a place of your own, clarke isn’t legally or biologically related to jamie, and even if you did want to let jamie continue his relationship with his pseudo-stepmother, you can always copy what the divorced couples do. it won’t make sense, it’ll just show that your engagement was a sham._ ”

lexa’s mouth turns dry, and she mutters, “but it is a sham.”

“ _do you want people to know that? i’m pretty sure you don’t. if you’re going to pretend to be engaged, and then pretend to break up, and you want to make it look all real to clarke’s friends and her mother, you’re going to have to follow through_.”

“but.. i don’t want to move out. and neither does jamie, and i don’t think clarke would let us move out, too.” her voice is so quiet, like she’s finally realized the gravity of their situation. she didn’t think it was going to be this bad.

“ _then you only have one choice: you stay_ engaged _. i know couples who get engaged and it takes them ten years to get on with it and actually get married. eventually, people will forget, you’ll find the opportunity to separate yourself from clarke, it’ll be a quiet break-up, everybody wins._ "

lexa’s still in her seat as she listens to anya, and she murmurs, “but i love clarke.”

(she had meant to say: i don’t want to leave clarke, i don’t want clarke out of my life, i don’t want to pretend anymore.)

“ _oh._ oh _._ ” she can feel anya still too, and then lexa realizes what she just said.

“no, i didn’t mean— well, i did, but like—” she chokes.

“ _oh, alexandria,_ ” and anya knows what exactly she meant. “ _this is why you agreed._ ”

lexa takes a deep breath— when did breathing become so difficult? “i didn’t know—”

(she had meant to say: i didn’t know it would go this far, i didn’t know it would end up like this, i didn’t know i was already in love with clarke.)

“ _shhh,_ ” anya mumbles to her softly, “ _you’ll be okay. you’ll get out of this_.”

.

lexa’s not so sure if she wants to.

.

the next day finds lexa’s bringing in groceries from clarke’s car— her car is still at the mechanic’s, so clarke had offered hers so she can run errands while the blonde was at work— and she’s giving jamie the lighter items when she spots octavia walking up their driveway.

“hey, lexa,” she glances down by her legs and beams at jamie whose face is half-hidden underneath his wooly hat, “hey, jamie.”

“hi, miss o!” jamie cheerily greets before turning around with grocery in his arms, right into the house.

“octavia,” lexa flashes her a polite smile, “how are you?”

“i’m great. really glad that the weather has cleared up,” octavia glances up at the sky; it’s still grey and dull, but it’s no longer rumbling and flashing every now and then. “i’m just over because raven mentioned that you were going to the doctor’s gala on saturday.” lexa narrows her eyes, wondering how would raven know and octavia answers the silent question automatically. “anya, your friend, who is now raven’s new best friend, told her. she said you guys were looking for someone to watch jamie for the night. i’m here to offer my services.” octavia beams proudly.

“oh,” lexa takes a glance back at the house, where jamie has disappeared into, “that’s very thoughtful of you, but i wouldn’t want to intrude—”

“no, no,” octavia throws her hands up, “you’re not. i’m offering, really and truly. lincoln and i don’t have plans that night anyway, probably just going through the details of your engagement party.”

“you know you really don’t have to plan it, right?” lexa forms an easy smile, “i’ve told anya this, it’s absolutely unnecessary.” the word she used was _inconvenient_ , but same thing.

“we know, but we want to make it perfect for you and clarke.” octavia momentarily stands on her toes, still waiting for an answer for her offer.

lexa nods, “right. i’ll uh,” she glances at clarke’s car, “i’ll check with clarke, but i’m sure it’d be okay. jamie would love to hang out with you.”

“of course,” octavia nods, then she remarks with a mischievous grin, “you guys act so married already.”

lexa chuckles, albeit a bit nervously. “so we’ve been told. thank you for the offer, octavia.”

“no worries,” and with a final beam, she skips off, back to her own house.

lexa brings the rest of the groceries into the house, and she calls out, “jamie?” the house is quiet, too quiet, and she lets her feet take her into the kitchen, before making a mental note to check the boy’s room, before the living room.

she finds her son on the kitchen floor, trying to bite open a stick of frozen yoghurt. “ _james_ , what are you doing?”

jamie freezes, and his eyes travel up to lexa’s face. “you were taking too long,” he mumbles, and gets to his feet. “open, please.”

“no,” lexa takes it from him and places it back in the bag. “after dinner.”

“but mommy,” he whines, jutting his bottom lip out and stomping his foot lightly.

“you know the rules,” lexa says, in a sing-song voice, as she begins to place the groceries into the fridge and the pantry.

“but mama always lets me have yoghurt after we go buy them!”

lexa pauses and groans, slowly reaching for the yoghurt stick from the bag and opening the packaging. “just this once,” she pinches the bridge of her nose as jamie says his thanks delightedly. “your mama is in so much trouble.”

jamie only grins— he can’t wait to tell _his mama_ that when she gets home.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternative summary: jamie has dropped enough hints for raven to think that the engagement is a lie, but in equal measure, lexa has revealed enough for anya to think that the engagement could be real, and here's where the trouble starts.
> 
> etherealpumpkin.tumblr.com — i read every single one of your asks, and i feel so blessed when i do. 
> 
> also, send me prompts! or yell, whichever!


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